Tag Archives: relationships

The Missing Piece in Relationships

 

 

Why is it that couples break up? Because they’re unhappy together. Well, you might be thinking, “great point Aron, and how insightful is this that I should even bother with this post?”

The incorrect assumption is that your partner is supposed to make you happy and then you’ll both live happily ever after. It works great in the movies but unfortunately, that’s as far as it goes. In real life, it‚Äôs a completely different story.

Now I’m not blaming anyone who gets divorced or breaks up in any relationship. But what I am suggesting here is that there might be fewer break-ups if we would realize where our happiness is truly coming from.

Happiness is coming from inside you
So, if your happiness is not coming from your partner, your friend or your co-worker or boss, where is it coming from? It’s coming from inside of you.

To be really specific – happiness and sadness and all feelings¬†come¬†from to us from Mind via thought in the moment. It’s kind of a technical definition but feelings come to us from Mind via thought in the moment.

What that means is that feelings don’t come to us from our marriage or from divorce or other people or different¬†situations. And I can tell you honestly that I’ve been married and I’ve been really sad and I’ve been married and I’ve been really happy. And that is in the same marriage to the same person.

I know people who have been divorced and have been really sad about their divorce and those same people have been divorced and really happy about the divorce. I’ve been among certain people and been happy with them and I’ve been with those same people and been sad with them. And I’ve been in certain situations and been really sad about them and I’ve been in those same situations and been really happy with them. ¬†The common denominator here is that the circumstances or people were the same but the thoughts and hence feelings were different.

People and situations are not the cause of our happiness and sadness
All of this is telling us that people and situations are not what really causes happiness and sadness. And if you think about it, this all has huge implications for your relationships.

Your partner can’t make you happy only you can.
If the people you’re in relationships with aren’t the source of your happiness and if they aren’t the source of your sadness, that’s got some huge implications. And one of the biggest lessons I’ve learned from this is that you are the one who can make yourself happy or unhappy. Your partner can’t make you happy only you can.

Another lesson to learn is that I get upset because of me, not because of you and I get happy because of me and not because of you.

Feelings are always coming 100% of the time from inside of us
So, all of your psychological experiences come from Mind which gives energy to your thought and hence you¬†experiences happiness¬†or sadness. ¬†These experiences don’t come from outside of you and certainly not from your partner. Feelings are always coming 100% of the time from inside of us which includes happiness and sadness and everything else in between.

You might then want to ask, “if my partner is not making me sad and it’s me that’s making me sad, how do I stop myself from being sad?” But if you’re asking yourself this question then you’re kind of missing the point. ¬†The point here is not that you’re making yourself sad and how do you stop it. The point is to stop blaming your partner for your sadness and stop blaming your partner for your happiness because it’s not coming from your partner.

Your anger and sadness are not coming from your partner
Before you can even deal with the fact that you are sad, is to recognize that it’s not your partner that is making you sad. It’s not your partner’s fault when you get angry, even when they did something you don’t like. ¬†Your anger is¬†actually¬†not their fault. All the sadness, the hurt and the guilt you’re feeling isn’t your partner’s fault.

You need to take responsibility
Firstly, you must take responsibility to realize that your sadness is an inside job and has nothing to do with your partner. This is a very humbling thing to accept and acknowledge.

Once you’ve taken¬†responsibility¬†you’ll find yourself being able to be more respectful to others even when you disagree with them because you now know that your feelings are truthfully coming from yourself and not from ‘out there.’

You might ask, “how am I going to implement this? You don’t know my family. You don’t know what I have to live with day to day?” ¬†But these questions arise when you’re living an illusion because you think that you are scared and mad at the other person. But that is not the case. ¬†Fear just like happiness doesn’t come from the outside, it comes because of what we think is going on the outside. When you believe that your feelings are coming from the other person, it’s very difficult to come from a very loving and confident space within yourself.

Your happiness is not dependent on how they are going to react
However, when you know that the birth of all your feelings come from inside of you, not from out there, then there is nothing to be afraid of, except for the imaginary scenario that you are creating in your mind. ¬†Now all of a sudden it becomes really easy to know how to relate to them from a space of love, understanding, and confidence. This is because your happiness and wellbeing aren‚Äôt dependent on how they’re going to react to what you say but it depends on what you’re thinking in that moment on the inside of yourself.

When you speak from this space it’s like having a light shining from within yourself. ¬†You have this deep understanding of where your feelings are really coming from. ¬†In this state of mind, you automatically move into a deeper sense of being and live from a space of this inner security. ¬†It’s a bit hard to put into words but an extremely powerful space to live and be in. ¬†You’ll understand this more when you experience it rather than when you just read it in words.

You can’t change your partner but you can change your relationship.
Another important thing to realize is that you can’t change your partner but you can change your relationship. What I mean by not being able to change your partner is that when you are so close and attached you can’t really be that objective. ¬†I as a coach have facilitated changes in many clients and that’s because I’m not personally attached to that person which allows me to give them a space in which to grow.

It would, however, be very hard even for me to facilitate change people who are very close to home. That¬†attachment¬†and personal gain of them changing for me are what’s in the way. I’m not saying it’s impossible to change family members but as long as you are holding on to an attachment of ‘I’ll be happy when you change,’ it is very difficult to facilitate change from this perspective.

Part of the problem is the¬†belief¬†that you need them to change for you to be okay, for your life to be better. ¬†This is what’s going to get in the way of any possible change. The good news is that you don’t need them to change for you to feel better. Because feelings come from thought in the moment and not from your partner’s misbehaviour. Your feelings aren’t coming from the part you’re trying to change in your partner. You won’t feel any better when they change their behaviour. You may think you’ll feel better when they change their behaviour but the truth is you won’t in the long term because that’s not where feelings come from in the first place.

Soon as one excuse leaves, you’ll find other excuses to blame your partner
As long as you keep finding excuses on why you’re annoyed with your partner, once that excuse is gone, you’ll find plenty of others to blame your frustration on. When, however, you realize that your frustrations are not coming from your partner, they’re coming from your thinking in the moment, you’ll begin to settle down. What usually¬†happens¬†after this is that you lose all that heavy built up thinking you had about an issue, it all drops away and your relationship starts to turn around.

The only way to change your partner
Although you can‚Äôt directly change your partner by giving them an ‚Äėearful,‚Äô when, however, ¬†you live by the example of what it means to have a clear mind, some of it will rub on to those around you.¬† Have you ever walked into a room where nothing was said but you just feel great or really bad being around a certain person? It‚Äôs their inner being that you can almost feel and touch.¬† That will happen with you in a positive way when you live from an embodied understanding of a clear mind.

There’s no excuse for abuse but Рyou accept abuse from others to the extent that you accept abuse from yourself
This, however, doesn’t excuse any abuse in a relationship. Abuse is never okay. ¬†But here’s the thing on abuse; you accept abuse from others to the extent that you accept abuse from yourself inside your own mind. Everyone has this inner voice, this inner critic, and often that inner critic can be so harsh that it’s even harsher than a member of your family. This is because you can hear a criticism like “Aron, you‚Äôre an idiot.” The person says it one time to you and then the inner critic in your mind replays this person saying the insult over and over again. The person insulted me once but I’m reliving it repeatedly because of the inner critic in my mind.

The moment somebody abuses you more than you abuse yourself, you’ll instantly stop them.
When you learn to silence this voice in your head, you’ll no longer accept abuse from others. ¬†The moment somebody abuses you more than you abuse yourself in your own mind, you’ll instantly stop them. The moment you stop abusing yourself, you’ll automatically stop the other person from abusing you.

The relationship changes when you change inside yourself
And once the abuse stops, there are a myriad of ways that the relationship could change. ¬†You might just walk out on them, you might talk with them and all of a sudden because you‚Äôre no longer abusing yourself in your own mind, you’ll now be talking to them in an empowered way like you’ve never done before. Or there might be some other way that will come up for you. There are many ways in which an abusive relationship can stop being abusive. The dynamic of the relationship changes when you change inside yourself.

It is possible for a relationship to transform just by one of the partners getting this¬†understanding¬†of how we operate in the world. The more you believe you’re not good enough, the less you’ll value yourself, the harsher you’ll judge yourself, and the more likely you are going to accept abuse from someone else. The good news is that you are just one insight away from completely changing yourself and changing your relationship. ¬†The moment you realize that the inner critic and inner thoughts are just imaginary and you are the one creating this, your life will change in ways you can’t even imagine right now.

Life is to short and nothing lasts forever. We want to cherish the relationships we have now by coming from greater love, clarity, and understanding towards everyone we meet.

Summary

  1. Know where your happiness and sadness come from- they come from inside of you.  From Mind, which energizes thought and thereby create your feelings.
  2. Come from a deep space of love and compassion in yourself and then you’ll¬†naturally¬†be more respectful and know the right words to say on the situation.
  3. You can’t make your partner change. ¬†It’s foolish for you to believe you can. Accept the way your partner is now or leave them but don’t pretend that you can change the way your partner is.
  4. Although you can’t change your partner but you can change your relationship by changing yourself.
  5. When you embody the understanding of a clear mind within your being that you’re living by example, you can indirectly have an effect on your partner.
  6.  You accept abuse from others to the extent you accept abuse from yourself in your own mind.
  7. Life is short so you might as well cherish your relationships while they last.

I do hope this post resonates with you. ¬†If it does, then you’re really on your way to healthier relationships and a more fulfilling life.

Click on the video below to further consolidate the above.

 

respect but don't take it personally

Respect but don’t always take it personally

Respect but don’t always take it personally.

Being respectful without always taking things personally has become part of my nature as a byproduct of not taking my thinking on most things too seriously.

It doesn’t mean Life and people are a joke.

It certainly doesn’t mean life is a big joke and that I don’t take anyone or anything seriously. It does, however, mean that I ¬†will put my thoughts under the ‘examination magnifying glass’ in order to determine how serious the situation is. ¬†This will apply both to people and situations.

I had a friend come to me to today with a problem that he needed my help with. ¬†As I was listening, my thoughts started to bombard me causing me to move into judgement as well things that I needed to tell him. ¬†But then I woke up! ¬†I realised that this is not the time for me to be inserting my own thoughts in at the moment. ¬†What I wanted to do was be what we call in the Three principles is to be in a deep state of listening. ¬†You can’t be fully present listening to your friend when you’re busy thinking, “what am I going to say next,” to counter what he’s telling me.

Thought slow down

As a result, I just slowed my thoughts down to just being present with him so I could fully hear what he was telling me without ‘me’ interfering with his message. ¬†The byproduct of this is that you fall into a very good feeling which helps create a warm connection with the other person.

He himself is a Psychologist and pretty set in his ways. ¬†My own innate health or my inner being was telling me that I don’t think this was the right time to explain the three principles to him. ¬†I didn’t feel that it was the right time for this. ¬†That’s at least was my insight at that moment. ¬†My main goal at the time was just to be present with him and make sure that I fully heard what he had to tell me. ¬†He opened up quite a lot, more than what I’ve ever seen and I suspect that it was because¬†I was fully present to what he was telling me at the time.

Evolving rather than doing

Let me make this clear. ¬†It’s not something I do as much as something that I have evolved into after learning the principles and helping many others do the same thing. ¬†Soon as you start getting caught up in ‘doing’ you lose the ‘flavour’ of the moment. ¬†It’s just not the same as being in a state of realisation. ¬†It’s more of an understanding of where you are that things automatically change without effort. ¬†It’s something you see. ¬†When I saw that my thoughts were over bombarding me at the time my friend was pouring out his heart to me, I didn’t have to settle down my thinking, it just happened automatically.

The answers for my clients usually lie within them

And that is where the magic happens because you move into a deep connection with yourself as well as the person. ¬†And that did happen with my friend. ¬†This conversation was ‘friend to friend’ and as a result, he wanted an answer which is something I usually shy away from as a practitioner because the answers of my clients always lie within them. All is what I do is point them into the deeper recesses of their own innate health.

When you’re coming from a loving space it will enter into their heart too

But because the time wasn’t right in this particular case, I acted like a ‘friend’ and gave him some advice. ¬†But the beauty over here was that it wasn’t like the type of what I would call ‘desperate advice’ where, “you better listen to me and do this or else it will be a disaster,” rather it was advice coming from a very loving deep place from within myself and hopefully entering into the heart of the other person as well, which I could tell it did. ¬†You know this when you have a good feeling inside yourself as you are talking to the other person.

And the best part is that I didn’t personalise any of this. ¬†I didn’t take anything he was saying so seriously or personally that I was attached to the outcome. ¬†I was, however, respectful of him and what he was saying every step of the way. ¬†This is what I mean when I said ¬†that I respect people and life but don’t always take them personally.

Paradox of results

And the paradox of outcomes is, that the less attached you are to the result, the easier it is to have that outcome. It may not always go the way you’d ultimately like to, but because you’re not taking the situation so personally things usually work out better in the long term even if you can’t see it that way at the present moment. ¬†And often what might seem the worst thing out that happened might indeed be the best thing for you right now even if you can’t see it!

Advice without attachment

And in regards to my friend, I had no attachment to the outcome, and I felt that I was really heard, appreciated and had a good connection to him when it was my turn to speak. ¬†Again this was felt even on a physical plane as I was speaking to him and I could also see from his body language that it was all going along nicely. ¬†When you speak respectfully from the heart without attachment, it can go a really long way. ¬†I really did care for him and his plight but it didn’t mean I had to be attached to whether he would listen to me or not.

Takeaway

So the takeaway from today is that when we don’t take our ¬†thinking so seriously we usually as a byproduct¬†are more respectful to others and the situation usually becomes aless pressing since circumstances and people only become desperate when we think they do. ¬†Here’s the video. ¬†I’m sure if you’ve come this far you’ll enjoy it.

 

 

 

No one upsets me except me

 

no one upsets me

No one upsets me except me is a meme I came up with ¬†when I was working with one of my clients. ¬†At first, it may sound a bit weird but it really is true. ¬†I just watched my own video on this post which I found very useful because I just fell into the trap myself believing that it was my son who made me angry. ¬†Just watching this calmed me down, taking me out of the blame frame where I’m pointing outwards at someone else when they didn’t do what ‘I’ wanted. There I go again getting caught up in my own Ego. ¬†It’s everyone else’s fault except mine!

No one upsets me except me – the realization through my own video!

But after watching my own video and reminding myself that I can’t get upset and unless I decide to, I just miraculously calmed down a bit and realised that if I leave the issue at hand for even a few minutes, my opinion about what should have happened might not change but, I’ll at least get quiet enough, to have some fresh less judgmental thinking about the situation at hand.

My darling son was supposed to call someone regarding a job I was involved in helping him get. The problem is that he only got married a few weeks ago and hasn’t really come back down to earth yet. I felt bad because of my involvement and commitment I gave to the other party that he was going to make this call for the job and he still hasn’t taken any action.

Just imagine how embarrassed I felt when I bumped into this person today and ¬†found out that my son still hasn’t called. ¬†Then I started burning inside with a feeling of betrayal¬†and being let down, my Ego was in full swing, but it didn’t last long. The good news was, that when I rang my son, he wasn’t available to take the call. It was exactly what I needed at the time because I know when I speak to him next, I’m still going to tell him what I think needs to be done, but I’ll be more loving and understanding to his limits when I give him my piece of mind in a calmer more strategic way. This is because I have had ‘some breathing space,’ to allow for fresh clearer and calmer thoughts to come in.

The point I’ve learned from all this is that I’ll be okay even if he doesn’t do exactly what I want him to do. ¬†And I know that the less invested I am in my own thinking about how things should exactly work out, the better off everything will be.

This is what I call the paradox of results. ¬†The less attached I am to an outcome, the greater chances I have of it actually taking place. ¬†There were these Olympic runners and one scored the Gold and the other the Bronze. ¬†They asked the Bronze what was going on with him when he was running. ¬†He said, “I just kept on telling myself, that I’ve gotta get this and I was very tense as I was huffing and puffing and just pushing myself to get first to the finish line and I just couldn’t get to first place!” ¬†They then interviewed the Gold medalist and he said, “I just thought I give it my best shot and I was just running my hardest but I don’t really know what happened and the next minute I won the race!”

And that’s the point, he didn’t really know what happened because he didn’t have so much ‘heavy’ thinking about the outcome on his mind while he was running.

It really is amazing what you can do when you don’t have so much on your mind while you’re doing anything. ¬†It doesn’t mean don’t think. ¬†But when we are too hard on ourselves and we don’t feel good inside or we might even feel tight and uncomfortable in our bodies, then this is feedback from ourselves/our bodies, that perhaps doing a certain activity at this time of discomfort is not the right time. ¬†Maybe just push it off for even a little while.

If you haven’t watched the video, please do, it might just calm you down like it did for me. ¬†But as time goes by I find myself becoming increasingly more grounded in my understanding of the principles by Sydney Banks which just increases my peace and well-being.

When I become angry or upset which happens less often since I’ve learned the principles, I find that I am ‘on to myself,’ where I catch that uncomfortable feeling inside me and realise it’s time to just ‘step back’ for a while and see what new thoughts come up for me as I get quiet ¬†again. This is the realization of the fact that that nobody upsets me except me. ¬†Then I usually become receptive to a broader state of consciousness where these new thoughts which I call insights, come up for me and it has a soft warm pleasurable feeling and then I may use them to help me with any issue I have at hand.

Please let me know if you have been upset disappointed or angry and then you ‘caught yourself in the act’ when you felt uncomfortable in your body or in your mind. ¬†This is a great sign of progress in your own grounding in the Principles which definitely leads to greater peace happiness and well-being. ¬†So leave your comments below and if you haven’t already click on the video below which will explain this further.

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