Author Archives: arongross

Seperate Realities – the key to solving problems and having more harmonious relationships


You need to see it my way!
We often find ourselves at wit’s end trying to get the other person to see our perspective, our point of view. Often as human beings, we fail to realize is that no two people are exactly alike and certainly not when it comes to seeing it MY way.

Are you really communicating effectively?
People including those closest to us live in separate realities, where even the same words can mean very different things. We rarely check in with them to make sure we’re communicating effectively

It so easy to forget that realities are created by thought, not by external circumstances.  It is even easier to forget how different our realities are from one person to the next, even when we are communicating in what appears to be the same language!

I know that I’m absolutely right and I’m going to make sure you get it!
That’s where people get into so much hot water in their relationships of any kind. And we get caught up in our own opinion of what we know and think is unequivocal and absolutely right. And if you don’t see it my way, I’ll have to raise my voice or get angry or do something else to make sure you absolutely get it. Sounds like a recipe for another fight?

What would happen if we all understood the concept of separate realities? What we hold on to so dearly might not be held on to so tightly anymore. The universal concepts behind a clear mind have been successfully taught to Fortune 500 companies with serious business issues. Because of their understanding, it created big shifts in these big organizations with great solutions.

Stream of Pure Consciousness 
The beauty of what can happen is where they move into what I call a stream of pure consciousness. It’s a state where people respect each other and their individual opinions of the reality they perceive. Criticism usually goes out the window together with Egos in this beautiful state and as a collective group consciousness. This happens when separate realities are understood by all members.

There is no YOU versus ME, just US
In this state, you become more balanced within yourself. You’re open, and not over thinking, and effective communication naturally flows. You have curiosity and goodwill in the background of your conversations. Communicating is instinctive and responsive.  You know when to listen more and when to speak up. There is no YOU verses ME and MY opinion. There are no put downs. There are just suggestions of different ideas where everyone is working collectively towards a solution. Because the whole discussion is on an entirely creative noncritical level, no one gets upset if their idea is tossed out because its not disrespected, it just doesn’t work to solve this problem. It can be a bit hard to describe, but when you operate with others in this way, you are almost in a meditative high mental state of focus on solutions rather than complaints of how difficult life or the problem is.

It can still work even when not everyone is on board 
Even if not all parties are in this state, or don’t have this understanding, it can still work because this balanced state not only enables your speaking and listening; it also helps the other person you are communicating with.  A calm and clear speaker can help a stressed listener calm down to hear what is being said.  A thoughtful listener can help an unbalanced speaker say what he or she really means. When you are living in this way, you can affect those around you without any effort of influence from you onto them. Calm and clear minded people can have this magnetic and almost hypnotic effect to get others to tune into their resonance just by naturally being who they are.

You see the wisdom in others even when there is a disagreement
When this synergy happens between people, problems get worked out.  You seek first to understand, as the late Stephen Covey wrote in his Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, “and the other’s world makes more sense to you. You see the wisdom in others even when there is a disagreement.” When you throw your Ego out of the window, your understanding and compassion towards others can exponentially increase.

Communication that works is not hard once you understand how it works and what is going on in others’ separate realities. This then allows you and the other go to a deeper place in whatever is being discussed and then you can have a deeper perspective with a possible solution or even something better than you originally thought of, to your problem.

Understanding separate realities is key to a better life of relationships
As far as I’m concerned, this is one of the keys to a better life when ‘different’ doesn’t necessarily mean wrong or no good. It’s just a separate reality created by your thoughts versus mine. It’s also important to note that separate realities are created via thought and they are constantly changing based on the thoughts we have in the current moment. The way you look at something today will not necessarily be exactly the same way you see it ten years from now.

Separate realities doesn’t just occur between people, it can occur within yourself too
Just look at this email. You are reading it and will walk away with a slightly different understanding than somebody else who reads it and your opinion of it might be different again in five years time if you re-read it. So, separate realities don’t only occur among other people, it can occur within yourself too! Think about it; the way you look at something today might be different or even radically different than the way you’ll see it in ten years time. This is because our realities are changing all the time via our thinking which is in constant flux.

Separate realities give the color of life and allow us to be different. How boring it would be if we all thought exactly alike all the time. And if we can respect those differences without getting caught up in holding on to our own reality so tightly we are more open and balanced to have excellent communication and synergy between everyone else around us and this will allow us to produce something that we as individuals couldn’t achieve on our own.

So next time you have a difference of opinion, just realize that you and everyone else are like the people in the picture, in your own separate Galaxies.

Please watch the video below to further consolidate this important concept which is key in any successful relationship.

The Paradox of Results

The Paradox of Results
The paradox of results is that the less attached you are to the outcome, the higher the chance you have of fulfilling on it. And that’s at the heart of why the less the results matter to you, the easier it is to create them and why understanding the principles behind a clear mind at a deeper level, can make such a difference to people’s businesses, relationships, family and everything else in between. An embodied understanding of these principles just frees up this resource of mind to allow you to work with less interference and greater clarity towards any challenge you have in life.

It helps to have a healthy detachment from the person or circumstance
Remember the classic comedy, Tommy Boy? The immortal Chris Farley plays Tommy Callahan, a happy but hapless recent college grad who is learning the ropes of sales, and trying to take over his father’s business. In the early stages, things go badly—really badly—with his sales calls. He is tied up in knots, he’s so nervous, so he crashes and burns again and again and again. But then Tommy and his colleague Richard Hayden, (played by David Spade), pull off the highway to eat at a diner. As they eat, they lament their failure; and Tommy decides he really wants chicken wings. He tries to order some from the waitress, who is cold and curt.

Tommy: I’ll have chicken wings.

Waitress: Kitchen’s closed until dinner. I just got cold stuff and desserts.

Tommy: Boy, some chicken wings would really hit the spot. You sure it’s closed?

Waitress: Let me check. [Does nothing.] Yup, it’s closed.

Tommy: Okay. I’ll just have a sugar packet or two. Hey, what’s your name?

Waitress: Helen.

Tommy: That’s nice. You look like a Helen. Helen, we’re both in sales. Let me tell you why I suck as a salesman.
[Tommy then goes on a hilarious, self-deprecating rant expressing his frustration at his total lack of success in sales. When he is done, Helen’s whole demeanor has changed from bad to good.]

Waitress: Tell you what, I’ll go turn the fryers back on and throw some wings in for ya.

Tommy: Thanks, Helen! Tommy like-y. Tommy want wing-y.
[Richard is amazed. He can’t believe the powerful effect Tommy had on the waitress.]

Richard: That turnaround you just pulled off with that waitress! Why can’t you sell like that?
[Tommy shrugs his shoulders.]

Tommy: I’m just having fun. If we didn’t get the wings, so what? We still got that meat lovers’ pizza in the trunk.
[Richard shakes his head.]

Richard: No, you got the wings because you’re relaxed. You had confidence.

There is huge wisdom in the dialogue between Tommy and Richard. In fact, the lesson of the scene is priceless.

Detachment is what makes you effective
Tommy is detached and that makes him so effective. And that’s the lesson for us. To put it frankly, we are the most confident when we don’t care! Ancient masters of rhetoric (the art of persuasion) used to call this the “posture of indifference,” and it is profoundly effective. Not caring doesn’t mean being heartless towards others, it just means being unattached to the outcome.

When that happens, you can get your ‘wing-y’ and a whole lot more when you remain unattached to the outcome. Tommy really wanted his chicken wings but wasn’t perturbed if he didn’t get it which is why he was able to just be his carefree himself. He became more likable by the waitress as he came into his own power of just being himself without him even realizing it.

It’s nice to have stuff but it’s not going to make me or break me
I like things too, but if I treat them more like a game with less attachment, I’m not going to be so disappointed if I don’t get them and I’ll also increase my chances since I’m more relaxed about it. It would be nice to have the latest toy and it would be great fun. If I get it, great, and if I don’t, I know I’m okay and I’ll still remain okay without it.

Next time you set  a goal
So, next time you set a goal, perhaps you’ll be more nonchalant towards the outcome and then go out and ‘play’ towards getting it. You might reach that goal, you might not, or maybe you’ll have a completely different outcome. One thing is for sure, that when you stay unattached, you’ll be more flexible and open to strategically handling any challenge that comes your way towards the desired goal whether you reach it or not.

Please watch the video below to further consolidate this important concept which can really help you find greater peace and harmony while moving forward to fulfilling your goals.

 

Even If you don’t forgive it is still possible to find peace and happpiness

Happiness without forgiveness
I know it sounds unusual, but you can find happiness even when you don’t always forgive.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that you should never forgive but there are certain cases where even if you’re not prepared to forgive you can still find freedom and happiness.

Just because someone is unforgivable, doesn’t mean that I still can’t find happiness
There are some pretty bad things that people have done in the world that we perceive as unforgivable. Most people will agree that mass murderers are unforgivable for their actions and need to be punished in some way for their actions. But that doesn’t need to preclude me from finding happiness within myself even if I was a victim of their abuse.

So how can you find happiness while not forgiving?
The answer is a simple one. People may be unforgivable, but that doesn’t mean I have to walk around all day holding on to hate towards that person. In other words, I may feel that someone is wrong but I can let go of my attachment of my hateful feelings towards that person. I can let go of all that revved up thinking I am continuously thinking about. After a while when my reactive thinking settles down, I can become neutral towards them or at least not so revved up towards them for starters.

If I don’t hate them does that mean they are now forgiven?
Does that mean that they are let off the hook? Certainly not. But when I am in a good state of mind, when I’m not reactive, I’m going to handle the situation towards that person who wronged me a lot better, than if I would be in an angry state of mind. And because I will let go of that anger after a while, I’m going to be in a better position to review the whole situation and maybe move towards forgiveness when I can see things with clarity and not reactivity. But that doesn’t mean I have changed my mind, that I have to now forgive them. They did something wrong, they may need to go to Jail for it, but I don’t need to be caught up 24/7 with my revved up thinking about how much I hate them for it.

I’m not telling you that you always have to forgive, just let go of attachments, let go of revved up thinking.

It’s letting go of your attachment to revved up hatred and animosity that is key to being free. Once you let go of that, you’ll feel as though you have been released from a heavy chain that has been weighing down on you for a long time.

The misunderstanding of forgiveness                                                                                            Most people will tell you that you have to forgive in order to free the part that is inside you that you are holding on to.  You need to forgive them for your own sake in order for you to be free. I can agree with that in certain cases. Maybe someone who slighted me the wrong way or did something else when they were in a bad mood is possibly forgivable. Each situation needs to be accessed from a position of calm and understanding rather than reactivity and angst in order to get clarity on the situation.

But you are not forgiving someone if you are sending them to jail.                                    When it comes to severe criminal acts, they might need to go to jail because of what they have done which means that they are not forgivable at this stage. If you are doing your best to send someone to jail, then you are not forgiving them.

Video of a woman who said she was forgiving her ex-boyfriend and at the same time sending him to Jail
I saw this video of this woman forgiving her ex-boyfriend in court for almost killing her in a vicious knife attack when they were breaking up. The problem was that even though she said she forgave him, she was doing her best in court to prosecute him and sentence him to life imprisonment.  That’s what I call an oxymoron. If you’re in the process of sending someone to jail, you’re not forgiving them.

Forgive means to exonerate according to the Google dictionary.                                             So, if you’re sending him to jail you’re not exonerating or forgiving him. What she was trying to do is free herself from living in hate and animosity towards her abuser, so she could be free to move on with her life. She was letting go of her attachments, her over-identification with the angst she had towards her abuser. And that’s fine, but at the same time society needs to be protected from people like him and his actions which are unforgivable at this time. And that’s why he needs to go to jail or somewhere, where he won’t do any more harm to society. Maybe after a while, once he has healed he will be forgivable, but certainly not while he’s dangerous.

We can still feel sorry for him and still not forgive them                                                             Just because we are not forgiving him doesn’t mean we can’t still feel compassion for him and treat him with dignity as a human being while sending him to jail.

These people usually have had a very difficult life and dysfunctional upbringing without anyone really loving them and taking good care of them as they were growing up. Hence, I do feel sorry for some of these people while still doing my best to protect my loved ones and myself from them. Maybe in a hundred years or when they have sincerely shown that they have worked on themselves, I could forgive them. But even if I don’t, I’ll at least let go of my attachment of continual hate towards them.

It’s unhealthy to live a life full of hate throughout your day and life.
It’s not very healthy to live a life full of hateful thoughts throughout the day. It causes all sorts of stress hormones to be activated in your body and has been shown to be a source of all sorts of dangerous diseases when a person has many hours of negative thinking on a daily basis. That doesn’t mean you should never have negative thoughts. We all do, but it becomes unhealthy when it becomes will excessive. And you’ll know within yourself when it’s taking its toll on you because you are always feeling down and possibly sick.

Next time someone wrongs you                                                                                                           So next time someone wrongs you, keep in mind that even if they are wrong and unforgivable, you can let go of the attachment to the revved up thoughts of hate and reactivity after the shock of what happened. If you do, you’ll be free. And this happens when you realize that your thoughts are being made up by you moment to moment. Soon as you see this for yourself, you can begin not to take your thinking so seriously and you’ll begin to release those unwanted attachments that don’t serve you.

To further consolidate this, please watch the video below.

 

Reaching out with unconditional love


The first thing they tell you when it comes to oxygen masks
It’s very exciting when traveling with family overseas although exhausting and one of the first things they talk to you about is passenger safety. When they were going through the procedures of fitting the oxygen masks they first tell you to put on your own and then put it on your kids. Isn’t that interesting?

Why would you put on yours first when your focus is usually to look after your loved ones first? As parents, we are often doormats for our kids having to do everything for them. Now I’m not against being a doormat. in fact, I love being a doormat for my kids. I love being able to provide for them and watch them grow up where they don’t need my help anymore and I eventually get out of being a doormat as they mature. But in the meantime, as they are growing they need me for all kinds of things.

But when it comes to the oxygen mask, I go before my kids?
Although I would instinctively put the mask on the child to save her life first, I am instructed to put my own on first. The obvious reason being that if I want to ensure that I get my kids mask on properly, I have to ensure that I am coherent enough to be able to do it. If I can’t breathe properly I’m not going to be of much service to my loved ones.

So I get the mask on first and then I can ensure the safety of my kids.

When I think of this, I realize that there are real life lessons here. If I want to be there for anyone, I need to take care of myself first. When my well-being is intact I can truly be here for you. I can’t be present and truly reach out to help you if I don’t feel good about me.

Now, this is not about being selfish and self-centered, because you aren’t going to be good with anyone if you are continually focused on yourself. When you get caught up in your own thinking about yourself, you’re not really present to the other person in front of you.

Where are you?  You’re not really here                                                                           You may be here physically but your thoughts are somewhere else. In fact, you might as well be somewhere else because you’re not here with them if you’re worried about something else.

The realization of the fact of thought                                                                                 Once you realize the fact that you think and you create a whole story in your mind via thought, you are then coming to the realization that you might not need to hold on to it so tightly since we are always making up and having new thoughts, moment to moment. Where would you be without that worrisome thought if you didn’t take it so seriously?

Letting go                                                                                                                                       When you start to let go of your worrisome thoughts you get out of your own way to see the new.  And that is precisely what happens when you connect with someone with nothing on your mind. When you are mentally free, you are fully present for the other person. You are here and not in your head.

Eye contact, face the other person blah blah blah
Then you’re ready to fully reach out to the maximum and be of true service to the to the other person. When good connection takes place, you don’t necessarily need to to make eye contact and face the other person because you are eagerly focused on them, you’ll do what naturally occurs to you in order to connect with them.

Deep meditative connection can occur                                                                               If that means you need to look at them in the eyes when talking, then you’ll look at them in the eyes when talking to them. But even if you do or even if you don’t, it’s not a must for good connection. Sometimes when talking to a client on the phone I’ll have my eyes shut and be in a real deep meditative connection with them while listening with no agendas on my mind. That’s when I’m really open to being able to help them see something that I and they didn’t see previously about them. And because I am listening with the silence of my mind, it allows them to come up with things about them that they have never seen before.

There are no absolutes here except for a quiet non-chatty mind. When that happens, you’ll automatically know what to say or what not to say, what to do or what not to do. This is because you’re in deep connection, not only the other person as you listen but with yourself as well. And then things get noticed by you and by the other person when in this meditative state that wouldn’t normally come up for you when having a lot of thought on your mind.

Wishing you only deep relationships when you fully reach out to others after having reached into yourself first.

 

When you let go you let in

 

It’s just a bunch of thoughts
When we realize that all we are holding onto in our mind is just a bunch of thoughts, it becomes much easier to let go of them. When this happens, we become a receptacle for the new and the fresh.

Endless possibilities arise when you let go of the old to make room for the new
The possibilities for the new are endless. But it does take a willingness to stop holding on to what doesn’t serve us very well and look within ourselves rather than without, for the answers, we seek to our own burning questions in our quest for happiness, peace, and wellbeing.

We have been taught to always look outside for the answers
We have always been educated by parents, home, and media that the answer lies somewhere out there. But when we finally let go of that, great things begin to happen.

Insights that work for you don’t need to be earth shattering
They may not be as earth-shattering as some of the greatest scientific discoveries of the century, but they can be very life changing for you when you discover something new, which I call insight; a sight from within. It’s where we get to see something new when we ironically stop looking.
There is what happened and what we think happened                                                               We are often our own worst enemy when we get caught up in our thoughts about stuff. And the stuff we’re often worried about is more than what it really is. When we get too much in our heads, we create this chasm between what actually happened and what we think happened. And creating this ‘explosion’ of what happened with the stories we embellish with our imaginary reactive mind, is where we create suffering and pain. Now I’m not saying that people don’t have stuff and real life issues. Sure they do. But what would happen if we realize that we are at the mercy of our thoughts which happens when we forget that we are the creators of those thoughts.

The gap between the impulse and the response
Yes, I know we have problems, big problems. But no matter how bad they are there is always the gap between the impulse and the response.  Let us look at Dr. Victor Frankl:

Dr. Victor E Frankl, the great Austrian psychiatrist spent three years in Nazi concentration camps, including 5 months as a slave laborer.  His mother, wife, and brother were all murdered in these camps.  After the war, he wrote about his experiences in Auschwitz and Dachau and other Nazi death camps.  In his famous book Man’s search for meaning, he writes:

Everything can be taken from a man but one thing, the last of the human freedoms – to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way between stimulus and response, there is a space.  In that space is our power to choose our response.  In our response lies our growth and our freedom.

Sure there are plenty of people who have gone through the most harrowing of human experiences, but this still doesn’t preclude them from framing their own experience moment to moment via their thought. That’s precisely what Dr. Frankl did and if you read his book, you understand that it’s what kept him alive.

I’ll cry with you
This won’t, however, stop me from crying with you or anyone for that matter that has gone or is going through a tragedy. I’m not going to judge anyone who chooses to be upset, that’s part of the human condition. As long as we’re human we are all bound to be hit by life’s challenges sooner or later and we all cry from time to time. That’s part of the price we pay for our stay here on Earth. So, there is no need to beat yourself up when you’re down.

Good news! You are empowered to choose
The good news is that we still have the choice of what we want to think about in any given set of circumstances. You and I have the power to lift up our game just like Dr. Franklyn did. He not only survived the war, he thrived and I know you can too.

Great expectations can lead to great limitations in any relationship

 

Great expectations are not always so great
Great expectations are not so great when we are overly attached and so committed to them. When I operate with the expectation that you have to do something to make me happy, it’s often a recipe for disaster because you’re not always going to do it exactly the way I want to to be done. It’s not possible because no two minds think exactly alike, hence you’re not always going to get it exactly right the way I want it to be.

Form and Formless
In this conversation, I want to introduce you to the world of form and formless. The world of form is the reality you currently live in based on your thoughts moment to moment. The feelings you have behind the thought is what we call formless.

Separate Realities                                                                                                                               Because we’re such different human beings, each of us lives our own little life. In the world of form, you can never be on exactly the same page as somebody else. You might be similar but you can’t be on the exact same page because in my mind with the thoughts I create we have to be different. It would be such a great coincidence if we were creating the same thoughts at the same time and what are the chances of that happening? This is what we call separate realities.

But where can we be on the same page?                                                                                        This is in the feeling of love. Because the feeling of love is formless, the feeling of connection doesn’t have any details to it.  We can be in that same feeling and we can live in harmony with that same feeling. When you’re in a relationship you’re shifting between the two.  If you’re in the feeling, you’re not in the form. And if you’re in the form, you’re not in the feeling. You can’t do the two simultaneously.

The expectation is very much in the form.                                                                                          It doesn’t matter what the expectation is.  People get stuck with this and they don’t like it when we say it, but in my mind, any over attachment to the expectation you have of your partner is going to put you back into that space of form which limits your ability to have the experience of the feeling.

So, it doesn’t matter whether the expectation is that my partner should love me, or an expectation that my partner should be loyal, or an expectation that my partner should be kind, an expectation that my partner should treat me in a certain way. Any time that you’re looking to expectation a certain way, you’re looking outside, you’re looking for the other person to create something in the relationship. You’re looking for the other person to provide something. And any time you’re doing that, you’re looking at the form, it will take you away from the feeling because it’s hard to balance the two at the same time.

Either the ball is in my court or the ball is in your court.                                                        When the ball is in my court, it’s all about me learning to live in a beautiful feeling and making life show up from that space. And when the ball is in her court, I’m limited to whatever she shows up with. And I totally used to live with the ball in her court. If I was upset, the ball was in her court, it’s her fault because she did it. And if I wanted to become un-upset, I would have to wait for her to somehow do something to change the feeling I’m living in.

Today, however, it’s like, why would I ever put the ball in my wife’s court? That would make a horrible life. Firstly, sometimes she lives like a crazy person, she’s mad, she’s not willing to see things my way, she doesn’t love me on my conditions of the way she ‘should’ love me, she doesn’t do things the way I want her to do them, I’d much rather go and do it myself.

In relationships, if everyone just keeps the ball in their court, it would be so simple for them. Sometimes people ask me, “don’t you want your wife to love you and make you happy?” But the reality is that she’ll never succeed, not a chance. Try to make me happy, good luck with that. It’s impossible. The only thing that can make me happy is the feeling I’m living in, that can make me happy. There was a time that I used to believe that my wife would make me happy. And my wife is the one that can make me unhappy. That today however, is not true for me anymore.

There are so many people that live with that misunderstanding and it makes for such a difficult life with so much hardship because how could she ever truly understand what I need and what I want? Even if she’s the most amazing wife, she doesn’t know what I need or what I want and what’s important to me. And the funny thing is that if I take care of myself, I can give her clues. If she wants to make a contribution to my feeling, she could try, but I would much rather look after myself. And funnily enough, when I look after myself, I’m so much more clued in and wise and know how to look after everyone else.

But if I don’t have expectations I’ll end up being a doormat!
You might be asking, “shouldn’t people have expectations and if you don’t have some level of expectation in a relationship, you’ll end up being a doormat? Your partner is just going to walk all over you.” 

I’m happy being a happy doormat
First of all, it’s not so bad being a doormat, you get to be of service to others 🙂 Why am I looking for this person to provide for me? Why am I looking to this person and feeling that they have to give me something? I enjoy relationships so much more when I have a way to give, when I have a way to be of service and when I have a way to provide.

One way street relationship                                                                                                          Children are a very much a one-way street in a relationship. You’re giving, you’re providing, you are very much the doormat for your kids. And it’s a beautiful doormat to be because I love being able to give to them. I love being able to contribute to their lives. I love the fact that they can rely on me and want things from me and look to me and I love to be able to be that provider.  And that’s what I love in our relationship as well. I don’t look to what Shainy, my wife can give me. Anything she gives to me is a bonus, that’s nice.

I don’t measure what the other person can give me
Part of the relationship that I enjoy is when I can provide. When you see a relationship that way, you automatically lose your attachment to expectation because you’re not measuring or comparing, you’re not looking for that. I’m not looking for what has been given to me. And there is so much more joy in a relationship like that. I’ve seen in my own relationship with Shainy, as we deepen our understanding in this way, as my expectations have gone down, I’ve learned to enjoy giving more and playing that role. It’s just a different world with a different feeling and it’s just so beautiful to live in that reality. The good news is, it’s just a thought away. It’s within anyone’s reach if they’re open to letting go of attachments.

Love and good will is the glue to hold long term lasting relationships
When you’re stuck in the form, you become stuck in your differences which will always exist. When, however, you drop your expectations and approach anyone with love and good will, you’re in for the long hall in any relationship. It’s the only constant that you can have in common as its formless and eternal.

The balance between expectations and goals                                                                             Being that we all live in a world of form, we are always going to have expectations of all sorts of things. And that’s okay. It becomes not okay when we are overly attached to them. I might want to lose 20 pounds as a goal, and that’s fine as long as I’m okay even if I don’t lose it. I’ll still be okay if I don’t lose it and it would be great if I did lose that weight. However, the extent of my attachment/commitment to this expectation will determine the extent of my pain if I don’t get it fulfilled. So goals are fine, so long as they don’t destroy me if I don’t get them and I know I’ll be okay either way.

Expectations are just thoughts with a lot of heavy attached thinking to it. So, let go of the attachments to your thinking and you’ll have a wonderful life. Even though in the world of form, it looks like you’re being a doormat, I’d rather look like a doormat and live a happy life than living an unhappy life with so many expectations that will never get fulfilled to exactly what I want.

To further consolidate this please watch the video below

 

Happiness for no reason

Happiness for no reason
I’ll never forget what happened a short while after learning the principles behind a clear mind; It was an early morning around December 2014 and I was sitting in my office all alone and getting things ready on my computer for my work day and then all of a sudden, I just felt this rush of happiness flood me for no reason what so ever.

At first, I wasn’t sure why this happened. I know that I was completing my studies with my coach on the principles behind a clear mind at the time and I suspected it was because of this that I was feeling a little euphoric at the time.

Being hit with a rush of Joy
But what really happened was that my mind was free from all the previous mental clutter I used to hang on to and I became open to being present in the moment. The irony of it all was that I was just literally sitting and doing nothing that morning and just enjoying sitting in my office on my chair when I was hit with this rush of joy.

Appreciation of beauty around me                                                                                                     I’m elated to say that this has not been a one-time occurrence.  It now happens frequently when I can just go for a walk and enjoy the trees in front of me and appreciate the Divine creations whose beauty I witness every time I go outside into nature.
Simple things in life become so appreciated                                                                                  The most simplest of things like breathing and even blowing bubbles, (I haven’t done that in a long time), become so joyful. Although I know I could do with an extra hour of sleep each morning when I have to wake up, I am so thankful, (although sleepy at times :-)), that I’ve been given another day to live and hopefully touch someone and make a difference in their lives.
What are we here for?                                                                                                                            I’m so lucky that I can write this email to you and if it touches you, just tickles your Soul in some way, then I’m, elated at being able to help another human being, otherwise what are we here for?

I call this being present to the moment.  I can only be here for you and this moment when I fully here without the extra worrisome thoughts that many of us carry in in this load called life.  But life doesn’t have to be a load, it can be a joy, depending on what we fill up our minds with.

I’m not prescribing what you should think                                                                                       Now I’m not telling you what to think.  I’m just telling you the fact that you do think. If you don’t get caught up in the content of your thoughts, just realize that it’s all just made up moment to moment and then you’ll lighten your mental load and find happiness which is always sitting there in your Soul.  It’s just bursting to come out if your willing to see beyond the mental clutter that we create with our own monkey minds when we get caught up in this illusion called thought.

No hard work needed, just an understanding of how life works                                              The sun is always behind the clouds of negativity and it will eventually break through without any effort on your part. There is no hard work needed here except for an understanding of how life works via your thought. The deeper you understand the nature of thought and the more of an embodied it becomes in your life, the more freedom and happiness you’ll experience.

Happiness is not acquired because it’s already in you                                                         Remember, this happiness is not something you’ll acquire from reading more books, it’s something you notice that gently and quietly comes to the surface when you look in the direction of within rather than without.

Thanks so much for taking the time to read this post.  It means so much to me to touch the heart and soul of another human being.  It’s a two-way street here – you get uplifted and I am fulfilling my mission to lift up another human being, one soul at a time. And then hopefully you’ll go out and do the same with other people you meet too.

Click on the video below to further consolidate this.

 

The Missing Piece in Relationships

 

 

Why is it that couples break up? Because they’re unhappy together. Well, you might be thinking, “great point Aron, and how insightful is this that I should even bother with this post?”

The incorrect assumption is that your partner is supposed to make you happy and then you’ll both live happily ever after. It works great in the movies but unfortunately, that’s as far as it goes. In real life, it’s a completely different story.

Now I’m not blaming anyone who gets divorced or breaks up in any relationship. But what I am suggesting here is that there might be fewer break-ups if we would realize where our happiness is truly coming from.

Happiness is coming from inside you
So, if your happiness is not coming from your partner, your friend or your co-worker or boss, where is it coming from? It’s coming from inside of you.

To be really specific – happiness and sadness and all feelings come from to us from Mind via thought in the moment. It’s kind of a technical definition but feelings come to us from Mind via thought in the moment.

What that means is that feelings don’t come to us from our marriage or from divorce or other people or different situations. And I can tell you honestly that I’ve been married and I’ve been really sad and I’ve been married and I’ve been really happy. And that is in the same marriage to the same person.

I know people who have been divorced and have been really sad about their divorce and those same people have been divorced and really happy about the divorce. I’ve been among certain people and been happy with them and I’ve been with those same people and been sad with them. And I’ve been in certain situations and been really sad about them and I’ve been in those same situations and been really happy with them.  The common denominator here is that the circumstances or people were the same but the thoughts and hence feelings were different.

People and situations are not the cause of our happiness and sadness
All of this is telling us that people and situations are not what really causes happiness and sadness. And if you think about it, this all has huge implications for your relationships.

Your partner can’t make you happy only you can.
If the people you’re in relationships with aren’t the source of your happiness and if they aren’t the source of your sadness, that’s got some huge implications. And one of the biggest lessons I’ve learned from this is that you are the one who can make yourself happy or unhappy. Your partner can’t make you happy only you can.

Another lesson to learn is that I get upset because of me, not because of you and I get happy because of me and not because of you.

Feelings are always coming 100% of the time from inside of us
So, all of your psychological experiences come from Mind which gives energy to your thought and hence you experiences happiness or sadness.  These experiences don’t come from outside of you and certainly not from your partner. Feelings are always coming 100% of the time from inside of us which includes happiness and sadness and everything else in between.

You might then want to ask, “if my partner is not making me sad and it’s me that’s making me sad, how do I stop myself from being sad?” But if you’re asking yourself this question then you’re kind of missing the point.  The point here is not that you’re making yourself sad and how do you stop it. The point is to stop blaming your partner for your sadness and stop blaming your partner for your happiness because it’s not coming from your partner.

Your anger and sadness are not coming from your partner
Before you can even deal with the fact that you are sad, is to recognize that it’s not your partner that is making you sad. It’s not your partner’s fault when you get angry, even when they did something you don’t like.  Your anger is actually not their fault. All the sadness, the hurt and the guilt you’re feeling isn’t your partner’s fault.

You need to take responsibility
Firstly, you must take responsibility to realize that your sadness is an inside job and has nothing to do with your partner. This is a very humbling thing to accept and acknowledge.

Once you’ve taken responsibility you’ll find yourself being able to be more respectful to others even when you disagree with them because you now know that your feelings are truthfully coming from yourself and not from ‘out there.’

You might ask, “how am I going to implement this? You don’t know my family. You don’t know what I have to live with day to day?”  But these questions arise when you’re living an illusion because you think that you are scared and mad at the other person. But that is not the case.  Fear just like happiness doesn’t come from the outside, it comes because of what we think is going on the outside. When you believe that your feelings are coming from the other person, it’s very difficult to come from a very loving and confident space within yourself.

Your happiness is not dependent on how they are going to react
However, when you know that the birth of all your feelings come from inside of you, not from out there, then there is nothing to be afraid of, except for the imaginary scenario that you are creating in your mind.  Now all of a sudden it becomes really easy to know how to relate to them from a space of love, understanding, and confidence. This is because your happiness and wellbeing aren’t dependent on how they’re going to react to what you say but it depends on what you’re thinking in that moment on the inside of yourself.

When you speak from this space it’s like having a light shining from within yourself.  You have this deep understanding of where your feelings are really coming from.  In this state of mind, you automatically move into a deeper sense of being and live from a space of this inner security.  It’s a bit hard to put into words but an extremely powerful space to live and be in.  You’ll understand this more when you experience it rather than when you just read it in words.

You can’t change your partner but you can change your relationship.
Another important thing to realize is that you can’t change your partner but you can change your relationship. What I mean by not being able to change your partner is that when you are so close and attached you can’t really be that objective.  I as a coach have facilitated changes in many clients and that’s because I’m not personally attached to that person which allows me to give them a space in which to grow.

It would, however, be very hard even for me to facilitate change people who are very close to home. That attachment and personal gain of them changing for me are what’s in the way. I’m not saying it’s impossible to change family members but as long as you are holding on to an attachment of ‘I’ll be happy when you change,’ it is very difficult to facilitate change from this perspective.

Part of the problem is the belief that you need them to change for you to be okay, for your life to be better.  This is what’s going to get in the way of any possible change. The good news is that you don’t need them to change for you to feel better. Because feelings come from thought in the moment and not from your partner’s misbehaviour. Your feelings aren’t coming from the part you’re trying to change in your partner. You won’t feel any better when they change their behaviour. You may think you’ll feel better when they change their behaviour but the truth is you won’t in the long term because that’s not where feelings come from in the first place.

Soon as one excuse leaves, you’ll find other excuses to blame your partner
As long as you keep finding excuses on why you’re annoyed with your partner, once that excuse is gone, you’ll find plenty of others to blame your frustration on. When, however, you realize that your frustrations are not coming from your partner, they’re coming from your thinking in the moment, you’ll begin to settle down. What usually happens after this is that you lose all that heavy built up thinking you had about an issue, it all drops away and your relationship starts to turn around.

The only way to change your partner
Although you can’t directly change your partner by giving them an ‘earful,’ when, however,  you live by the example of what it means to have a clear mind, some of it will rub on to those around you.  Have you ever walked into a room where nothing was said but you just feel great or really bad being around a certain person? It’s their inner being that you can almost feel and touch.  That will happen with you in a positive way when you live from an embodied understanding of a clear mind.

There’s no excuse for abuse but – you accept abuse from others to the extent that you accept abuse from yourself
This, however, doesn’t excuse any abuse in a relationship. Abuse is never okay.  But here’s the thing on abuse; you accept abuse from others to the extent that you accept abuse from yourself inside your own mind. Everyone has this inner voice, this inner critic, and often that inner critic can be so harsh that it’s even harsher than a member of your family. This is because you can hear a criticism like “Aron, you’re an idiot.” The person says it one time to you and then the inner critic in your mind replays this person saying the insult over and over again. The person insulted me once but I’m reliving it repeatedly because of the inner critic in my mind.

The moment somebody abuses you more than you abuse yourself, you’ll instantly stop them.
When you learn to silence this voice in your head, you’ll no longer accept abuse from others.  The moment somebody abuses you more than you abuse yourself in your own mind, you’ll instantly stop them. The moment you stop abusing yourself, you’ll automatically stop the other person from abusing you.

The relationship changes when you change inside yourself
And once the abuse stops, there are a myriad of ways that the relationship could change.  You might just walk out on them, you might talk with them and all of a sudden because you’re no longer abusing yourself in your own mind, you’ll now be talking to them in an empowered way like you’ve never done before. Or there might be some other way that will come up for you. There are many ways in which an abusive relationship can stop being abusive. The dynamic of the relationship changes when you change inside yourself.

It is possible for a relationship to transform just by one of the partners getting this understanding of how we operate in the world. The more you believe you’re not good enough, the less you’ll value yourself, the harsher you’ll judge yourself, and the more likely you are going to accept abuse from someone else. The good news is that you are just one insight away from completely changing yourself and changing your relationship.  The moment you realize that the inner critic and inner thoughts are just imaginary and you are the one creating this, your life will change in ways you can’t even imagine right now.

Life is to short and nothing lasts forever. We want to cherish the relationships we have now by coming from greater love, clarity, and understanding towards everyone we meet.

Summary

  1. Know where your happiness and sadness come from- they come from inside of you.  From Mind, which energizes thought and thereby create your feelings.
  2. Come from a deep space of love and compassion in yourself and then you’ll naturally be more respectful and know the right words to say on the situation.
  3. You can’t make your partner change.  It’s foolish for you to believe you can. Accept the way your partner is now or leave them but don’t pretend that you can change the way your partner is.
  4. Although you can’t change your partner but you can change your relationship by changing yourself.
  5. When you embody the understanding of a clear mind within your being that you’re living by example, you can indirectly have an effect on your partner.
  6.  You accept abuse from others to the extent you accept abuse from yourself in your own mind.
  7. Life is short so you might as well cherish your relationships while they last.

I do hope this post resonates with you.  If it does, then you’re really on your way to healthier relationships and a more fulfilling life.

Click on the video below to further consolidate the above.

 

Mistakes don’t define you they refine you

The pain of the past Mistakes are only carried through time via a thought

Mistakes can often paralyze us in moving forward with our lives but it doesn’t have to be that way when we realize that the pain of the past mistakes is only carried through time into my present experience via a thought.

The feeling is in the meaning we give to thought

If I didn’t give it so much meaning, so much power, then I wouldn’t be so paralyzed by them. In my early years as a young man when I finished studying my Rabbinical studies in Seminary, I left the seminary in 1986 and a short while after that my parents died 10 months apart from each other.

The rough ride of losing the two most important people in my life

Boy oh boy was it a hard time from me.  I just finished my studies and my family of these two loving beings suddenly disappeared out of my life.  I went from a house and a family to an empty house with no family! It’s funny how you appreciate someone more when they have passed on than when they were always around you.

My brother and I split up the family inheritance and within a very short time, I lost the house that I inherited.  At the time I borrowed against it to invest in land and shares and lost everything in the share crash of 1987 as well as the land I invested at that time.  I eventually moved with my new wife in 1990 to an apartment full of these cockroaches that eventually destroyed all of our electronic equipment.

Beating myself up

I was so depressed psychologically at the time.  Life looked really bleak and I used to beat myself up for this. I never fully recovered from this till I learned this new understanding of what it takes to get a clear mind.

I would regularly go into bouts of depression because of what I did with my parents hard earned money with blood and sweat over the years.  It was a long messy story with finger pointing not only at myself but at others who also ‘helped’ me invest the money ‘wisely’ in their Gold mines at the time.  I was friends with the rich and I wanted to become rich too, but it didn’t work.

The Life Lesson

Today I’m not angry at myself or anyone else and I have looked for the lesson rather than wallow in pain and self-criticism over it.  The main lesson I’ve learned is that you’ve got to make sure you are in control over your own money and when you want to get out of an investment, make sure you have the power to do so. In my case, the people who were ‘helping’ me wouldn’t let me bail out of my investments in their companies at the time because they had control of the money.  They were hoping the market would recover but it didn’t and their companies went bust as well.

When you learn the lesson, you don’t need to have the experience any more

It was a costly lesson, but if I look at it from a lesson point of view, I can move on and I don’t need the negative experience of it any more and I become the wiser from it.

I’m not defined by failure rather I’m a student of failure

Now instead of defining myself as a failure, I see myself as a student of my failures and use those mistakes as guidelines to learn from rather than use them as sticks to beat myself up with.  I’m now out of my psychological paralysis and can move forward with confidence knowing that nothing really bad happens from making a mistake.

Course corrections

When you travel on a plane it makes mistakes too.  That’s when it slightly drifts off course and then the autopilot keeps on making small adjustments all the time to correctly steer the plane back on course.  So next time I make a mistake I’ll do the same.  Just see the error for what it is without judgment and make those ‘course corrections’ and even if I don’t get to the exact destination that I would have liked to, I will certainly get closer to where I wanted to go.

Takeaway

So remember, next time you make a mistake, use them to refine you and help you elevate your game rather than crush and paralyze you. And if you want to further consolidate this idea watch  the video below if you haven’t done so yet.

 

The Great race where we fall into the comparison trap

The Great Race where we fall into the comparison trap

We often get caught up in the great race where we  fall into this comparison trap when we weigh up and compare ourselves to others. But what would happen to our performance if we didn’t get so caught up in always trying to win? Competition is healthy or is it? Well, it can be, but depends on your attitude or rather to be more accurate in this discussion, your state of mind towards the goal you are aiming for.

Let’s look at Olympic medalists for example:

Olympic Gold medal winners fall into 2 very defined groups after they have won the gold:
1. Highly successful careers, satisfying lives, fulfilling, studying business, working in charities, being speakers. They do very very well.
2. Tend to struggle with alcoholism, addiction to drugs, marital difficulties and all kind of problems
The difference between these two groups was very very clear. The people who did very very well after they won the gold was in their whole motivation strategy. It was about the enjoyment of the doing. It was about the journey and their attitude was, “I would love to win but I’m having such a great time here doing this that I’m not really thinking about it that much.”

Usain Bolt

There was an interview with Usain Bolt and he said, “I find that when I think too much about trying to win, I just don’t run that well. So I just focus on enjoying the crowd and enjoying the race and that sort of thing.” So when he was getting ready for the race he was busy waving and smiling to the crowd in a very relaxed way while all the other runners were doing their concentration rituals before the race. But Usain, no way, he was just busy having fun and we’re talking about the fastest man on Earth!

What they found with the second group on how they motivated themselves was by setting an ideal of “I’ll be happy when I achieve this.” But Ideals are like the Horizon. And the Horizon is a mental construct that doesn’t actually exist.

The unreachable Horizon

You can walk to the Horizon and have a look and it’s still far away and Ideals are still like the Horizon too. They keep a pace ahead of you. And they can be actually great for setting a direction. But they’re rubbish for measuring progress because they are often further off. So people who are trying to navigate with ideals and Horizons are unsatisfied and they’re stressed out and struggling because they are looking for the feelings of fulfillment and comfort, peace and satisfaction, but they’ve been looking in the wrong place until now.

So 50% of Olympians who fall into that category of struggle because they motivate themselves all this time thinking, “well at least once I win the Gold I’ll be happy.” And they are for about a week and then it’s all gone and like another day.

So who really wins the race

So let’s go back to our picture 🙂 Who’s going to win the race? Sure you need to work things logically through as much as possible to make sure your car or body is fit and tuned up etc. But that’s as far as it goes till we come on to a state of mind.

Performance improves with increased understanding

And just to remind you that this is not something you do rather something you understand. And the deeper you get it the better will be your overall performance in life when you come from that deep common sense and intuition that’s inside of you, me and everyone else included. We just temporarily forgot it, but now its time to wake up!

Watch the video

To develop your understanding on how to escape the comparison trap in this great race called life watch the video below.