Monthly Archives: April 2017

Seperate Realities – the key to solving problems and having more harmonious relationships


You need to see it my way!
We often find ourselves at wit’s end trying to get the other person to see our perspective, our point of view. Often as human beings, we fail to realize is that no two people are exactly alike and certainly not when it comes to seeing it MY way.

Are you really communicating effectively?
People including those closest to us live in separate realities, where even the same words can mean very different things. We rarely check in with them to make sure we’re communicating effectively

It so easy to forget that realities are created by thought, not by external circumstances.  It is even easier to forget how different our realities are from one person to the next, even when we are communicating in what appears to be the same language!

I know that I’m absolutely right and I’m going to make sure you get it!
That’s where people get into so much hot water in their relationships of any kind. And we get caught up in our own opinion of what we know and think is unequivocal and absolutely right. And if you don’t see it my way, I’ll have to raise my voice or get angry or do something else to make sure you absolutely get it. Sounds like a recipe for another fight?

What would happen if we all understood the concept of separate realities? What we hold on to so dearly might not be held on to so tightly anymore. The universal concepts behind a clear mind have been successfully taught to Fortune 500 companies with serious business issues. Because of their understanding, it created big shifts in these big organizations with great solutions.

Stream of Pure Consciousness 
The beauty of what can happen is where they move into what I call a stream of pure consciousness. It’s a state where people respect each other and their individual opinions of the reality they perceive. Criticism usually goes out the window together with Egos in this beautiful state and as a collective group consciousness. This happens when separate realities are understood by all members.

There is no YOU versus ME, just US
In this state, you become more balanced within yourself. You’re open, and not over thinking, and effective communication naturally flows. You have curiosity and goodwill in the background of your conversations. Communicating is instinctive and responsive.  You know when to listen more and when to speak up. There is no YOU verses ME and MY opinion. There are no put downs. There are just suggestions of different ideas where everyone is working collectively towards a solution. Because the whole discussion is on an entirely creative noncritical level, no one gets upset if their idea is tossed out because its not disrespected, it just doesn’t work to solve this problem. It can be a bit hard to describe, but when you operate with others in this way, you are almost in a meditative high mental state of focus on solutions rather than complaints of how difficult life or the problem is.

It can still work even when not everyone is on board 
Even if not all parties are in this state, or don’t have this understanding, it can still work because this balanced state not only enables your speaking and listening; it also helps the other person you are communicating with.  A calm and clear speaker can help a stressed listener calm down to hear what is being said.  A thoughtful listener can help an unbalanced speaker say what he or she really means. When you are living in this way, you can affect those around you without any effort of influence from you onto them. Calm and clear minded people can have this magnetic and almost hypnotic effect to get others to tune into their resonance just by naturally being who they are.

You see the wisdom in others even when there is a disagreement
When this synergy happens between people, problems get worked out.  You seek first to understand, as the late Stephen Covey wrote in his Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, “and the other’s world makes more sense to you. You see the wisdom in others even when there is a disagreement.” When you throw your Ego out of the window, your understanding and compassion towards others can exponentially increase.

Communication that works is not hard once you understand how it works and what is going on in others’ separate realities. This then allows you and the other go to a deeper place in whatever is being discussed and then you can have a deeper perspective with a possible solution or even something better than you originally thought of, to your problem.

Understanding separate realities is key to a better life of relationships
As far as I’m concerned, this is one of the keys to a better life when ‘different’ doesn’t necessarily mean wrong or no good. It’s just a separate reality created by your thoughts versus mine. It’s also important to note that separate realities are created via thought and they are constantly changing based on the thoughts we have in the current moment. The way you look at something today will not necessarily be exactly the same way you see it ten years from now.

Separate realities doesn’t just occur between people, it can occur within yourself too
Just look at this email. You are reading it and will walk away with a slightly different understanding than somebody else who reads it and your opinion of it might be different again in five years time if you re-read it. So, separate realities don’t only occur among other people, it can occur within yourself too! Think about it; the way you look at something today might be different or even radically different than the way you’ll see it in ten years time. This is because our realities are changing all the time via our thinking which is in constant flux.

Separate realities give the color of life and allow us to be different. How boring it would be if we all thought exactly alike all the time. And if we can respect those differences without getting caught up in holding on to our own reality so tightly we are more open and balanced to have excellent communication and synergy between everyone else around us and this will allow us to produce something that we as individuals couldn’t achieve on our own.

So next time you have a difference of opinion, just realize that you and everyone else are like the people in the picture, in your own separate Galaxies.

Please watch the video below to further consolidate this important concept which is key in any successful relationship.

The Paradox of Results

The Paradox of Results
The paradox of results is that the less attached you are to the outcome, the higher the chance you have of fulfilling on it. And that’s at the heart of why the less the results matter to you, the easier it is to create them and why understanding the principles behind a clear mind at a deeper level, can make such a difference to people’s businesses, relationships, family and everything else in between. An embodied understanding of these principles just frees up this resource of mind to allow you to work with less interference and greater clarity towards any challenge you have in life.

It helps to have a healthy detachment from the person or circumstance
Remember the classic comedy, Tommy Boy? The immortal Chris Farley plays Tommy Callahan, a happy but hapless recent college grad who is learning the ropes of sales, and trying to take over his father’s business. In the early stages, things go badly—really badly—with his sales calls. He is tied up in knots, he’s so nervous, so he crashes and burns again and again and again. But then Tommy and his colleague Richard Hayden, (played by David Spade), pull off the highway to eat at a diner. As they eat, they lament their failure; and Tommy decides he really wants chicken wings. He tries to order some from the waitress, who is cold and curt.

Tommy: I’ll have chicken wings.

Waitress: Kitchen’s closed until dinner. I just got cold stuff and desserts.

Tommy: Boy, some chicken wings would really hit the spot. You sure it’s closed?

Waitress: Let me check. [Does nothing.] Yup, it’s closed.

Tommy: Okay. I’ll just have a sugar packet or two. Hey, what’s your name?

Waitress: Helen.

Tommy: That’s nice. You look like a Helen. Helen, we’re both in sales. Let me tell you why I suck as a salesman.
[Tommy then goes on a hilarious, self-deprecating rant expressing his frustration at his total lack of success in sales. When he is done, Helen’s whole demeanor has changed from bad to good.]

Waitress: Tell you what, I’ll go turn the fryers back on and throw some wings in for ya.

Tommy: Thanks, Helen! Tommy like-y. Tommy want wing-y.
[Richard is amazed. He can’t believe the powerful effect Tommy had on the waitress.]

Richard: That turnaround you just pulled off with that waitress! Why can’t you sell like that?
[Tommy shrugs his shoulders.]

Tommy: I’m just having fun. If we didn’t get the wings, so what? We still got that meat lovers’ pizza in the trunk.
[Richard shakes his head.]

Richard: No, you got the wings because you’re relaxed. You had confidence.

There is huge wisdom in the dialogue between Tommy and Richard. In fact, the lesson of the scene is priceless.

Detachment is what makes you effective
Tommy is detached and that makes him so effective. And that’s the lesson for us. To put it frankly, we are the most confident when we don’t care! Ancient masters of rhetoric (the art of persuasion) used to call this the “posture of indifference,” and it is profoundly effective. Not caring doesn’t mean being heartless towards others, it just means being unattached to the outcome.

When that happens, you can get your ‘wing-y’ and a whole lot more when you remain unattached to the outcome. Tommy really wanted his chicken wings but wasn’t perturbed if he didn’t get it which is why he was able to just be his carefree himself. He became more likable by the waitress as he came into his own power of just being himself without him even realizing it.

It’s nice to have stuff but it’s not going to make me or break me
I like things too, but if I treat them more like a game with less attachment, I’m not going to be so disappointed if I don’t get them and I’ll also increase my chances since I’m more relaxed about it. It would be nice to have the latest toy and it would be great fun. If I get it, great, and if I don’t, I know I’m okay and I’ll still remain okay without it.

Next time you set  a goal
So, next time you set a goal, perhaps you’ll be more nonchalant towards the outcome and then go out and ‘play’ towards getting it. You might reach that goal, you might not, or maybe you’ll have a completely different outcome. One thing is for sure, that when you stay unattached, you’ll be more flexible and open to strategically handling any challenge that comes your way towards the desired goal whether you reach it or not.

Please watch the video below to further consolidate this important concept which can really help you find greater peace and harmony while moving forward to fulfilling your goals.

 

Even If you don’t forgive it is still possible to find peace and happpiness

Happiness without forgiveness
I know it sounds unusual, but you can find happiness even when you don’t always forgive.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that you should never forgive but there are certain cases where even if you’re not prepared to forgive you can still find freedom and happiness.

Just because someone is unforgivable, doesn’t mean that I still can’t find happiness
There are some pretty bad things that people have done in the world that we perceive as unforgivable. Most people will agree that mass murderers are unforgivable for their actions and need to be punished in some way for their actions. But that doesn’t need to preclude me from finding happiness within myself even if I was a victim of their abuse.

So how can you find happiness while not forgiving?
The answer is a simple one. People may be unforgivable, but that doesn’t mean I have to walk around all day holding on to hate towards that person. In other words, I may feel that someone is wrong but I can let go of my attachment of my hateful feelings towards that person. I can let go of all that revved up thinking I am continuously thinking about. After a while when my reactive thinking settles down, I can become neutral towards them or at least not so revved up towards them for starters.

If I don’t hate them does that mean they are now forgiven?
Does that mean that they are let off the hook? Certainly not. But when I am in a good state of mind, when I’m not reactive, I’m going to handle the situation towards that person who wronged me a lot better, than if I would be in an angry state of mind. And because I will let go of that anger after a while, I’m going to be in a better position to review the whole situation and maybe move towards forgiveness when I can see things with clarity and not reactivity. But that doesn’t mean I have changed my mind, that I have to now forgive them. They did something wrong, they may need to go to Jail for it, but I don’t need to be caught up 24/7 with my revved up thinking about how much I hate them for it.

I’m not telling you that you always have to forgive, just let go of attachments, let go of revved up thinking.

It’s letting go of your attachment to revved up hatred and animosity that is key to being free. Once you let go of that, you’ll feel as though you have been released from a heavy chain that has been weighing down on you for a long time.

The misunderstanding of forgiveness                                                                                            Most people will tell you that you have to forgive in order to free the part that is inside you that you are holding on to.  You need to forgive them for your own sake in order for you to be free. I can agree with that in certain cases. Maybe someone who slighted me the wrong way or did something else when they were in a bad mood is possibly forgivable. Each situation needs to be accessed from a position of calm and understanding rather than reactivity and angst in order to get clarity on the situation.

But you are not forgiving someone if you are sending them to jail.                                    When it comes to severe criminal acts, they might need to go to jail because of what they have done which means that they are not forgivable at this stage. If you are doing your best to send someone to jail, then you are not forgiving them.

Video of a woman who said she was forgiving her ex-boyfriend and at the same time sending him to Jail
I saw this video of this woman forgiving her ex-boyfriend in court for almost killing her in a vicious knife attack when they were breaking up. The problem was that even though she said she forgave him, she was doing her best in court to prosecute him and sentence him to life imprisonment.  That’s what I call an oxymoron. If you’re in the process of sending someone to jail, you’re not forgiving them.

Forgive means to exonerate according to the Google dictionary.                                             So, if you’re sending him to jail you’re not exonerating or forgiving him. What she was trying to do is free herself from living in hate and animosity towards her abuser, so she could be free to move on with her life. She was letting go of her attachments, her over-identification with the angst she had towards her abuser. And that’s fine, but at the same time society needs to be protected from people like him and his actions which are unforgivable at this time. And that’s why he needs to go to jail or somewhere, where he won’t do any more harm to society. Maybe after a while, once he has healed he will be forgivable, but certainly not while he’s dangerous.

We can still feel sorry for him and still not forgive them                                                             Just because we are not forgiving him doesn’t mean we can’t still feel compassion for him and treat him with dignity as a human being while sending him to jail.

These people usually have had a very difficult life and dysfunctional upbringing without anyone really loving them and taking good care of them as they were growing up. Hence, I do feel sorry for some of these people while still doing my best to protect my loved ones and myself from them. Maybe in a hundred years or when they have sincerely shown that they have worked on themselves, I could forgive them. But even if I don’t, I’ll at least let go of my attachment of continual hate towards them.

It’s unhealthy to live a life full of hate throughout your day and life.
It’s not very healthy to live a life full of hateful thoughts throughout the day. It causes all sorts of stress hormones to be activated in your body and has been shown to be a source of all sorts of dangerous diseases when a person has many hours of negative thinking on a daily basis. That doesn’t mean you should never have negative thoughts. We all do, but it becomes unhealthy when it becomes will excessive. And you’ll know within yourself when it’s taking its toll on you because you are always feeling down and possibly sick.

Next time someone wrongs you                                                                                                           So next time someone wrongs you, keep in mind that even if they are wrong and unforgivable, you can let go of the attachment to the revved up thoughts of hate and reactivity after the shock of what happened. If you do, you’ll be free. And this happens when you realize that your thoughts are being made up by you moment to moment. Soon as you see this for yourself, you can begin not to take your thinking so seriously and you’ll begin to release those unwanted attachments that don’t serve you.

To further consolidate this, please watch the video below.

 

Reaching out with unconditional love


The first thing they tell you when it comes to oxygen masks
It’s very exciting when traveling with family overseas although exhausting and one of the first things they talk to you about is passenger safety. When they were going through the procedures of fitting the oxygen masks they first tell you to put on your own and then put it on your kids. Isn’t that interesting?

Why would you put on yours first when your focus is usually to look after your loved ones first? As parents, we are often doormats for our kids having to do everything for them. Now I’m not against being a doormat. in fact, I love being a doormat for my kids. I love being able to provide for them and watch them grow up where they don’t need my help anymore and I eventually get out of being a doormat as they mature. But in the meantime, as they are growing they need me for all kinds of things.

But when it comes to the oxygen mask, I go before my kids?
Although I would instinctively put the mask on the child to save her life first, I am instructed to put my own on first. The obvious reason being that if I want to ensure that I get my kids mask on properly, I have to ensure that I am coherent enough to be able to do it. If I can’t breathe properly I’m not going to be of much service to my loved ones.

So I get the mask on first and then I can ensure the safety of my kids.

When I think of this, I realize that there are real life lessons here. If I want to be there for anyone, I need to take care of myself first. When my well-being is intact I can truly be here for you. I can’t be present and truly reach out to help you if I don’t feel good about me.

Now, this is not about being selfish and self-centered, because you aren’t going to be good with anyone if you are continually focused on yourself. When you get caught up in your own thinking about yourself, you’re not really present to the other person in front of you.

Where are you?  You’re not really here                                                                           You may be here physically but your thoughts are somewhere else. In fact, you might as well be somewhere else because you’re not here with them if you’re worried about something else.

The realization of the fact of thought                                                                                 Once you realize the fact that you think and you create a whole story in your mind via thought, you are then coming to the realization that you might not need to hold on to it so tightly since we are always making up and having new thoughts, moment to moment. Where would you be without that worrisome thought if you didn’t take it so seriously?

Letting go                                                                                                                                       When you start to let go of your worrisome thoughts you get out of your own way to see the new.  And that is precisely what happens when you connect with someone with nothing on your mind. When you are mentally free, you are fully present for the other person. You are here and not in your head.

Eye contact, face the other person blah blah blah
Then you’re ready to fully reach out to the maximum and be of true service to the to the other person. When good connection takes place, you don’t necessarily need to to make eye contact and face the other person because you are eagerly focused on them, you’ll do what naturally occurs to you in order to connect with them.

Deep meditative connection can occur                                                                               If that means you need to look at them in the eyes when talking, then you’ll look at them in the eyes when talking to them. But even if you do or even if you don’t, it’s not a must for good connection. Sometimes when talking to a client on the phone I’ll have my eyes shut and be in a real deep meditative connection with them while listening with no agendas on my mind. That’s when I’m really open to being able to help them see something that I and they didn’t see previously about them. And because I am listening with the silence of my mind, it allows them to come up with things about them that they have never seen before.

There are no absolutes here except for a quiet non-chatty mind. When that happens, you’ll automatically know what to say or what not to say, what to do or what not to do. This is because you’re in deep connection, not only the other person as you listen but with yourself as well. And then things get noticed by you and by the other person when in this meditative state that wouldn’t normally come up for you when having a lot of thought on your mind.

Wishing you only deep relationships when you fully reach out to others after having reached into yourself first.