Happiness is like a Boomerang

Happiness is like a Boomerang
If you know anything about Australia besides our Koalas and Kangaroos which I have hardly ever seen except¬†for when I go to the Zoo, you might also know about another fixture of Australiana, and that’s our Boomerang! When you throw them, they come back or at least that’s what they’re supposed to do.

And the good news is, so is your peace, well-being and happiness. When my mother died in 1986 the whole family was devastated. She had cancer and was given two years to live and unfortunately only lasted 6 months before she passed on.

Two weeks later after her passing, Dad and I were doing the laundry together and all of a sudden, my Dad starts singing. At the time, I was beside myself with anger, frustration, and disbelief! How could you sing when Mum just died? The wound was still raw and sore! ¬†I couldn’t understand this, especially when Dad found it very hard to live without the love of his life and in fact, he himself was so devastated that he passed on only 10 months later himself.

I never took Dad up on this as I didn’t feel comfortable discussing it at the time, but after learning what it means to have a clear mind, I was able to understand what went on with my Dad back in 1986. I don’t think he understood it but I certainly do now.

Going back to our natural set point of wellbeing
When we settle down from a lot of stressful thinking, we go back to our natural set point of well-being and happiness. It’s always going to come back to you because that is your natural system set point and that is exactly what happened with my Dad. He had a space between his melancholy and loss of his beloved wife while he was just all caught up in doing the washing with me and he temporarily forgot about his troubles. His mind went blank from that and it allowed his natural set point of wellbeing to come back to him. I could tell that he was in a good state of mind because he was singing and genuinely happy at the time.

No pressure and effort required to find wellbeing in your unhappiness
This is not something that is on you and you don’t need to use some sort of technique to get into this peaceful state. ¬†When I learned about the principles behind a clear mind, it hit me in a way that I saw that I don’t need to put all this pressure on myself. When I just let go of the idea that I need to find my wellbeing in my unhappiness, it was like a massive release because I realized that it doesn’t work that way.

It didn’t matter how distressed I became on an emotional level because I saw that I was going to be okay.

I’m okay even though right now I’m not
In psychology, there is that talk about parent-child attachment. The idea is that when children have a healthy attachment with their parent, they feel more comfortable leaving the nest, they don’t feel uncomfortable leaving home or not being with their parents at a young age. I realized that this idea gave me an experience of connection with my well being because it allowed me to be okay¬†even when I couldn’t have any¬†experience¬†of my well-being in the moment.

It‚Äôs a level of confidence I have inside of myself where I don‚Äôt have this idea that I need to feel okay all the time. It’s kind of like I was a little baby that would cry all the time when my mom left the room. Every time I lost my well being, I would freak out thinking, “Oh no! This isn’t good.” But then it shifted, “oh, it’s eventually going to come back like a Boomerang. I’m going to experience my well being again. It’s not that it’s not there, it‚Äôs just that I can’t feel it right now and it doesn’t matter that I can’t feel it right now.” That was the freedom for me, the knowing that my okayness is still there even though I can’t feel it, see it, or taste it in that moment.

Once the change happens it’s sustainable and everlasting
It created a sustainable change. It’s something that hasn’t gone away from that moment and it doesn’t mean that I’m not human and it doesn’t mean that I don’t have my low moods or my insecurities and all my human¬†experiences. This newly discovered freedom allowed me to stop¬†monitoring¬†myself so much and to stop trying to be so good and perfect all the time.

It allowed me to have the¬†humility to be myself with my¬†limitations¬†and just show up and do my best. And now I’m more comfortable with the full range of my human experience and get to see more of it. I also find myself more¬†compassionate¬†and kind with myself in the process. That tiny realization of knowing that my ‘Boomerang natural set point’ will come back had such a big impact in all areas of my life.

When I saw that I wasn’t broken, when I saw that my human experience wasn’t an indicator of something being wrong with me, it allowed me to be with what is a much more accepting, compassionate way. It also allowed me to not take my negative thinking so seriously. And when I looked at my wife Shainy, when she was in a low mood, I didn’t have to get scared because I knew that she was going to come back to herself, just like my Dad did with his singing.

We all eventually come back to our true nature of Peace Happiness and Wellbeing
And in terms of my kids, it was about allowing them to have¬†some sort of emotional experience without feeling that there was something wrong with them because it’s just part of the human experience. As a by-product of seeing that, there is a lot less conflict because if I’m not so scared when Shainy isn’t herself, I’m much less likely to try and fix the situation in the worst possible time. I’ll be much more likely to think that it’s not such a big deal and just ride it out while I watch how she miraculously returns to her true beautiful nature. And our kids naturally come back to their true nature as well.

We are all wellbeing but we just get temporarily disconnected from it
It’s just our natural state to have big and small insights. When I say natural state, that is you. The intelligence behind life is you, it is me, it is all of us, it is everything and there is no escaping it. And the more¬†I see it, the more it allows me to¬†experience¬†that. And even when I’m in my human experience and I can’t see that, it’s still me. I’m not different, it‚Äôs just my¬†experience¬†of where I’m at is different, but I haven’t actually changed. This is all of us every single moment of every single day.

The wasteful effort in trying to stay in a good mood
In my early days of self-help, I was always trying to manage my moods going up and down. I was trying to make sure that it didn’t go down, but that was often not possible and the good news is, it doesn’t matter. We all go up and down, in and out with our state of mind and that’s fine.

Our natural set point is always better than a Boomerang
And my natural set point of happiness is actually better than a Boomerang because it will always come back. Unfortunately, if you buy a cheap Boomerang here in Australia it doesn’t always fly so reliably and come back. Thank God, our natural set point is not a Boomerang because we‚Äôll always do better than that!

There are some things that can’t be understood by the head and only by the heart

 

 

 

Listen for a feeling
There are things that work great when listening without our rational analytical mind. And that’s really useful and important. But when communicating effectively with people we need to be willing to listen beyond the words. Syd Banks would always say, “don’t listen to my words, listen for a feeling.”

People can often say one thing verbally but mean something totally different. When interacting with my kids, I know that they may be upset with me at times but what they are really saying is they want more attention and love from me.

Innate wisdom is trying to express itself
If I were to take them literally and personally, I would have missed the deeper message they were trying to convey to me. Often when people act in an inappropriate way, they could be saying and doing things out of anger or frustration and have something much deeper going on that their innate wisdom is trying to express. And it often manifests in a negative way.

So next time something happens that really irks and bugs you, think and ask yourself if there is something deeper going on that is not currently within your purview of the current situation.

Covert and Overt
When I work with clients, I always explain to them that there is the overt and the covert. What happens overtly is one story and the covert can be another.

I thought I was dumb and stupid
I was a very frustrated young man growing up. I was wild and crazy in school always up to no good. Off course, I never had any success at school and always received the subconscious message that I was dumb and stupid. So that’s what I believed my whole school life till I grew up and discovered that my teachers and principals were wrong.

The roads on the street were my racing car tracks
When I finally got my driver’s license¬†I was absolutely crazy on the roads. It is truly a miracle that I’m alive today. The way I drove on the streets and the highways would take up a whole book if I had to record it. But here’s the thing; the fact that I was a crazy and dangerous (although a very skillful) driver, was my overt behavior.

I had a need to fill the vacuum inside myself
But now as an adult when I dig deeper and look back from a loving and nonjudgmental¬†view of that ‘dark past,’ I realize that there was something very covertly happening at the same time. I had a real vacuum, a real void to fill inside myself because I didn’t think I would amount to anything in my life. I didn‚Äôt know this at the time. My behavior was akin to taking drugs and my drug was driving cars at dangerously high speeds and doing all sorts of daredevil stunts.

This was my innate health, my inner spark inside doing as best as it could to fill the void of worthlessness I felt inside at the time. When I got high from driving, I temporarily forgot my pain. And this is what most drug addicts are doing with their addiction, just trying to escape their problems because they are overthinking them when they are not on a high.

The move from head to heart
When I moved¬†from my head into this heart-based understanding and work that I do now, I realized why I was doing what I was doing. The beauty of this heart-based understanding is that when you realize that your thoughts are always creating these temporary movie experiences, you calm down much quicker while being exposed to a bigger picture of life that allows you to move forward with greater ease, confidence, and alacrity for life. This doesn’t mean we shouldn’t use our brain and intellect. But that shouldn’t also preclude us from listening with our heart where we can tune into a feeling which goes beyond the spoken word.

When the head clears, the heart hears
So next time something happens and it will; see if you can look beyond the filter of your own thinking and look at what’s in front of you rather than the story you are creating in your head. You’ll get a better perspective when you look at life from a loving heart-based and open perspective to what you don’t yet know. And when you listen for a feeling you can go even deeper than the spoken words alone.

The roller coaster of life, love and all relationships

The roller coaster of life
Welcome to the roller coaster called life! If you can breathe and you can read this, then most probably your a human being just like me who has their ups and downs. Congratulations¬†on being part of the human race! You can’t do anything about it so you might as well embrace it and make the best of it.

The roller coaster of life is something that is unavoidable. We’re all going to have our ups and downs, our highs and lows, our challenges and our celebrations. Off course we only want to have the good times without the bad, but that’s not the way life works.

Ride those dips with more grace
We always pray and hope it doesn’t happen to us, but it nevertheless does. The good news is that you can always ride those dips in life with much more resilience than you might be aware of. It doesn’t mean you don’t cry and you don’t suffer. That can actually be healthy if it’s not excessive. When our friend is in trouble we should also cry with them.

The recovery
The beauty of this understanding is that you can recover much more quickly than you realize when you understand that you can’t control what happens out there but you can be aware of the fact that you think and have an experience. And it‚Äôs always your choice on how you‚Äôll think and hence react to it. That is really your safety net for sanity and coming home to peace and tranquility after dealing with any tragedy or difficulty.

The criticism of my wife when I learned the principles behind a clear mind
My wife’s biggest frustration when I first gained this clarity was that I never get upset! Nothing unnerves me. And she wanted me to be frustrated with her. It’s almost not fair! Why am I so resilient?

So I had to console her by telling her that I still get down, I’m still a human being and I do get upset from time to time. If I didn’t get upset I wouldn’t be normal. But the point is this; rather than fight the upset or try to change my mood, I embrace it – that is key.

I’m still okay when it’s not okay
When going through that ‘dip’ in life and we all do, just knowing that I’m still okay even when ‘it’s’ not okay out there, is the key to sailing through those ‘rough waves’ with more grace and ease. It doesn’t mean it’s pleasant but I find that my recovery is so much faster today. And that’s why my wife thinks I never get upset and nothing drags me down because my recovery was so quick that to get it looks like I never get upset.

We all go through stuff
Whether you like it or not, we all have stuff that comes up from time to time. The difference between us is not that I have a greater capacity to sail through it than you, rather it is on how tuned in I am to the deeper side of myself that knows that this too will pass. That is what I believe makes my recovery so much faster.

You can’t choose when to go down but you can choose how to think about it
The roller coaster of life will always go up and down and so will you. The difference is whether you’ll go up and down gracefully or dreadfully. For me, the downs are now more graceful and not as long and the highs are just so beautiful and higher than ever. Your experience of it is based on what you think moment to moment.

I know you have this in you too
I invite you to look within for that sacrosanct space that’s in me and in you and in all of us to see if what I’m saying resonates with you. If you’ve read thus far then it probably will resonate for you too.

Watch the video below to further consolidate this important issue

Deep connections with those around us

The first big change that occurred when I learned the principles behind a clear mind    One of the first things that changed for me in my relationships when I learned this understanding was a deep connection within myself followed by a deep connection with those around me. It happened when I recognized the humanness within myself followed by seeing the humanness and innocence in others. People are trying to do the best with the limited thinking they have in the moment.

Ironically, I did less to achieve more
One would think that you have to really work hard to invest in relationships but ironically, when I so to speak, stopped trying so hard, for some reason, it became easier.

Human to Human soul connection
Often when talking to people, we get very disconnected from them because we overly identify with our own ideas of how things should work. But I always ask, what would happen if we just dropped our over attachments to what WE believe is absolutely right in OUR opinion and stayed open to curiosity from other person’s point of view. Human to human as decent human beings rather than MY opinion versus yours.

The romantic dance of connection
In order to help clients have their own insights on their own issues, I strive to listen to them without my own personal agendas. I’m am totally there for them and that is when I notice in this state of Soul to Soul connection that the magic really happens. Either I will see something or they will when we move into this meditative dance of connection that almost temporarily transcends time and space.

Even if we don’t see anything straight away, that deep space is so healing and so comforting that my client will walk away with the integration of that new feeling and I usually tell them to relax for a while after, to allow that ‘soak time’ from our session to help further integrate this new unexplainable shift happening inside them.

Hanging out in a beautiful space wirelessly 
It’s a beautiful place to hang out in. And my clients usually walk away feeling hopeful and uplifted with some new insights or hope about their issues. It’s funny because even though they are the ones having the insights, I walk away feeling as though it’s our insight. I walk away feeling that their success is my success. The reality is that we are all interconnected even though I can’t see any wires ūüôā

Are you looking for fresh perspective on your old issues?
If you’re looking for some fresh new perspective to your old ‘stale’ problems, then I suggest giving me a call for a FREE test run on moving into this space for yourself. It doesn’t mean that you’re going to stay in this state all the time, but what it does do is help you move into a place within yourself where you access the deeper more loving and understanding where you can find your own insights. Click on this link to book in for a free session now. FREE transformative¬†conversation session

I know some of you have taken the FREE transformative conversation with me and you might now be ready for the full blown 6-month package to move into real long lasting peace and well being together with new fresh insights into your own burning issues. If this is you then please email me with an ‘I’m ready’ in the subject line and I’ll get back to you with the details.

From there you’ll learn how to access this on your own without my help. We dip in and out of this understanding which is why we dip in and out of this space of peace and tranquility. I usually work with clients over a 6 month period for the full blown package where we are not in a rush and have more time for these insights to occur. This also¬†allows them to develop this ‘inner awareness muscle’ for themselves.

The Guru is in you, not me
The answers you seek are in you and not in me. I’m just a pointer for you to look within. And that happens with every human being. We always want to look for the next shiny object that will make us ‘happy.’ Shiny objects can be fun. But they don’t last. The good feeling within you may come and go but the good news is it will come again and you can revel in it with the right state of mind more often and longer than any shiny object will last.

Coming back to connectivity ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬†¬†So, when you want to connect with another, it happens when you’re in a curious state of humility knowing that you don’t know. Even though you may have preconceived ideas of the other, you are willing to drop them and move into curiosity and wonderment to learn more about them without judgment. When we are prepared to do this more often the world will change.

From one extreme of disconnect to total connectivity – TED Talk ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬†¬†I’m leaving you with an amazing video of Megan Phelps-Roper. She, (one of the children of the Westboro Baptist Church¬†leaders) was doing a TED Talk in the power of listening to people we don’t agree with, I was very curious indeed. This video shows how you can move from blind animosity to a totally new understanding of people you originally thought will burn in Hell. This video fills me with hope in a world where there is much division. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bVV2Zk88beY

So, make sure you’re ready for deep connection and if you want to take me up on that FREE offer of having a taste of it please book in for a 15-minute call to experience for yourself on what it means to go into a state of deep connection with yourselves and others. Click on this link now to book in FREE transformative¬†conversation session And if you’re ready for the full blown 6-month life transformation package hit we with an email with ‘I’m ready’ in the subject line and I’ll get back to you with the details.

 

Seperate Realities – the key to solving problems and having more harmonious relationships


You need to see it my way!
We often find ourselves at wit’s end trying to get the other person to see our perspective, our point of view. Often as human beings, we fail to realize is that no two people are exactly alike and certainly not when it comes to seeing it MY way.

Are you really communicating effectively?
People including those closest to us live in separate realities, where even the same words can mean very different things. We rarely check in with them to make sure we’re communicating effectively

It so easy to forget that realities are created by thought, not by external circumstances.  It is even easier to forget how different our realities are from one person to the next, even when we are communicating in what appears to be the same language!

I know that I’m absolutely right and I’m going to make sure you get it!
That’s where people get into so much hot water in their relationships of any kind. And we get caught up in our own opinion of what we know and think is unequivocal and absolutely right. And if you don’t see it my way, I’ll have to raise my voice or get angry or do something else to make sure you absolutely get it. Sounds like a recipe for another fight?

What would happen if we all understood the concept of separate realities? What we hold on to so dearly might not be held on to so tightly anymore. The universal concepts behind a clear mind have been successfully taught to Fortune 500 companies with serious business issues. Because of their understanding, it created big shifts in these big organizations with great solutions.

Stream of Pure Consciousness 
The beauty of what can happen is where they move into what I call a stream of pure consciousness. It’s a state where people respect each other and their individual opinions of the reality they perceive. Criticism usually goes out the window together with Egos in this beautiful state and as a collective group consciousness. This happens when separate realities are understood by all members.

There is no YOU versus ME, just US
In this state, you become more balanced within yourself. You‚Äôre open, and not over thinking, and effective communication naturally flows. You have curiosity and goodwill in the background of your conversations.¬†Communicating is instinctive and responsive.¬† You know when to listen more and when to speak up. There is no YOU verses ME and MY opinion. There are no put downs. There are just suggestions of different ideas where everyone is working collectively towards a solution. Because the whole discussion is on an entirely creative noncritical level, no one gets upset if their idea is tossed out because its not disrespected, it just doesn’t work to solve this problem. It can be a bit hard to describe, but when you operate with others in this way, you are almost in a meditative high mental state of focus on solutions rather than complaints of how difficult life or the problem is.

It can still work even when not everyone is on board 
Even if not all parties are in this state, or don’t have this understanding, it can still work because this balanced state not only enables your speaking and listening; it also helps the other person you are communicating with.¬† A calm and clear speaker can help a stressed listener calm down to hear what is being said.¬† A thoughtful listener can help an unbalanced speaker say what he or she really means. When you are living in this way, you can affect those around you without any effort of influence from you onto them. Calm and clear minded people can have this magnetic and almost hypnotic effect to get others to tune into their resonance just by naturally being who they are.

You see the wisdom in others even when there is a disagreement
When this synergy happens between people, problems get worked out.¬† You seek first to understand, as the late Stephen Covey wrote in his Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, ‚Äúand the other’s world makes more sense to you.¬†You see the wisdom in others even when there is a disagreement.‚ÄĚ When you throw your Ego out of the window, your understanding and compassion towards others can exponentially increase.

Communication that works is not hard once you understand how it works and what is going on in others’ separate realities. This then allows you and the other go to a deeper place in whatever is being discussed and then you can have a deeper perspective with a possible solution or even something better than you originally thought of, to your problem.

Understanding separate realities is key to a better life of relationships
As far as I‚Äôm concerned, this is one of the keys to a better life when ‘different’ doesn‚Äôt necessarily mean wrong or no good. It‚Äôs just a separate reality created by your thoughts versus mine. It‚Äôs also important to note that separate realities are created via thought and they are constantly changing based on the thoughts we have in the current moment. The way you look at something today will not necessarily be exactly the same way you see it ten years from now.

Separate realities doesn’t just occur between people, it can occur within yourself too
Just look at this email. You are reading it and will walk away with a slightly different understanding than somebody else who reads it and your opinion of it might be different again in five years time if you re-read it. So, separate realities don’t only occur among other people, it can occur within yourself too! Think about it; the way you look at something today might be different or even radically different than the way you’ll see it in ten years time. This is because our realities are changing all the time via our thinking which is in constant flux.

Separate realities give the color of life and allow us to be different. How boring it would be if we all thought exactly alike all the time. And if we can respect those differences without getting caught up in holding on to our own reality so tightly we are more open and balanced to have excellent communication and synergy between everyone else around us and this will allow us to produce something that we as individuals couldn’t achieve on our own.

So next time you have a difference of opinion, just realize that you and everyone else are like the people in the picture, in your own separate Galaxies.

Please watch the video below to further consolidate this important concept which is key in any successful relationship.

The Paradox of Results

The Paradox of Results
The paradox of results is that the less attached you are to the outcome, the higher the chance you have of fulfilling on it. And that’s at the heart of why the less the results matter to you, the easier it is to create them and why understanding the principles behind a clear mind at a deeper level, can make such a difference to people’s businesses, relationships, family and everything else in between. An embodied understanding of these principles just frees up this resource of mind to allow you to work with less interference and greater clarity towards any challenge you have in life.

It helps to have a healthy detachment from the person or circumstance
Remember the classic comedy, Tommy Boy? The immortal Chris Farley plays Tommy Callahan, a happy but hapless recent college grad who is learning the ropes of sales, and trying to take over his father‚Äôs business. In the early stages, things go badly‚ÄĒreally badly‚ÄĒwith his sales calls. He is tied up in knots, he‚Äôs so nervous, so he crashes and burns again and again and again. But then Tommy and his colleague Richard Hayden, (played by David Spade), pull off the highway to eat at a diner. As they eat, they lament their failure; and Tommy decides he really wants chicken wings. He tries to order some from the waitress, who is cold and curt.

Tommy: I’ll have chicken wings.

Waitress: Kitchen’s closed until dinner. I just got cold stuff and desserts.

Tommy: Boy, some chicken wings would really hit the spot. You sure it’s closed?

Waitress: Let me check. [Does nothing.] Yup, it’s closed.

Tommy: Okay. I’ll just have a sugar packet or two. Hey, what’s your name?

Waitress: Helen.

Tommy: That’s nice. You look like a Helen. Helen, we’re both in sales. Let me tell you why I suck as a salesman.
[Tommy then goes on a hilarious, self-deprecating rant expressing his frustration at his total lack of success in sales. When he is done, Helen’s whole demeanor has changed from bad to good.]

Waitress: Tell you what, I’ll go turn the fryers back on and throw some wings in for ya.

Tommy: Thanks, Helen! Tommy like-y. Tommy want wing-y.
[Richard is amazed. He can’t believe the powerful effect Tommy had on the waitress.]

Richard: That turnaround you just pulled off with that waitress! Why can’t you sell like that?
[Tommy shrugs his shoulders.]

Tommy: I’m just having fun. If we didn’t get the wings, so what? We still got that meat lovers’ pizza in the trunk.
[Richard shakes his head.]

Richard: No, you got the wings because you’re relaxed. You had confidence.

There is huge wisdom in the dialogue between Tommy and Richard. In fact, the lesson of the scene is priceless.

Detachment is what makes you effective
Tommy is detached and that makes him so effective. And that‚Äôs the lesson for us. To put it frankly, we are the most confident when we don‚Äôt care! Ancient masters of rhetoric (the art of persuasion) used to call this the ‚Äúposture of indifference,‚ÄĚ and it is profoundly effective. Not caring doesn‚Äôt mean being heartless towards others, it just means being unattached to the outcome.

When that happens, you can get your ‚Äėwing-y‚Äô and a whole lot more when you remain unattached to the outcome. Tommy really wanted his chicken wings but wasn‚Äôt perturbed if he didn‚Äôt get it which is why he was able to just be his carefree himself. He became more likable by the waitress as he came into his own power of just being himself without him even realizing it.

It’s nice to have stuff but it’s not going to make me or break me
I like things too, but if I treat them more like a game with less attachment, I’m not going to be so disappointed if I don’t get them and I’ll also increase my chances since I’m more relaxed about it. It would be nice to have the latest toy and it would be great fun. If I get it, great, and if I don’t, I know I’m okay and I’ll still remain okay without it.

Next time you set  a goal
So, next time you set a goal, perhaps you‚Äôll be more nonchalant towards the outcome and then go out and ‚Äėplay‚Äô towards getting it. You might reach that goal, you might not, or maybe you’ll have a completely different outcome. One thing is for sure, that when you stay unattached, you‚Äôll be more flexible and open to strategically handling any challenge that comes your way towards the desired goal whether you reach it or not.

Please watch the video below to further consolidate this important concept which can really help you find greater peace and harmony while moving forward to fulfilling your goals.

 

Even If you don’t forgive it is still possible to find peace and happpiness

Happiness without forgiveness
I know it sounds unusual, but you can find happiness even when you don’t always forgive.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that you should never forgive but there are certain cases where even if you’re not prepared to forgive you can still find freedom and happiness.

Just because someone is unforgivable, doesn’t mean that I still can’t find happiness
There are some pretty bad things that people have done in the world that we perceive as unforgivable. Most people will agree that mass murderers are unforgivable¬†for their actions and need to be punished in some way for their actions. But that doesn’t need to preclude me from finding happiness within myself even if I was a victim of their abuse.

So how can you find happiness while not forgiving?
The answer is a simple one. People may be unforgivable, but that doesn’t mean I have to walk around all day holding on to hate towards that person. In other words, I may feel that someone is wrong but I can let go of my attachment of my hateful feelings towards that person. I can let go of all that revved up thinking I am continuously thinking about. After a while when my reactive thinking settles down, I can become neutral towards them or at least not so revved up towards them for starters.

If I don’t hate them does that mean they are now forgiven?
Does that mean that they are let off the hook? Certainly not. But when I am in a good state of mind, when I’m not reactive, I’m going to handle the situation towards that person who wronged me a lot better, than if I would be in an angry state of mind. And because I will let go of that anger after a while, I’m going to be in a better position to review the whole situation and maybe move towards forgiveness when I can see things with clarity and not reactivity.¬†But that doesn’t mean I have changed my mind, that I have to now forgive them. They did something wrong, they may need to go to Jail for it, but I don’t need to be caught up 24/7 with my revved up thinking about how much I hate them for it.

I’m not telling you that you always have to forgive, just let go of attachments, let go of revved up thinking.

It’s letting go of your attachment to revved up hatred and animosity that is key to being free. Once you let go of that, you’ll feel as though you have been released from a heavy chain that has been weighing down on you for a long time.

The misunderstanding of forgiveness                                                                                            Most people will tell you that you have to forgive in order to free the part that is inside you that you are holding on to.  You need to forgive them for your own sake in order for you to be free. I can agree with that in certain cases. Maybe someone who slighted me the wrong way or did something else when they were in a bad mood is possibly forgivable. Each situation needs to be accessed from a position of calm and understanding rather than reactivity and angst in order to get clarity on the situation.

But you are not forgiving someone if you are sending them to jail.                                    When it comes to severe criminal acts, they might need to go to jail because of what they have done which means that they are not forgivable at this stage. If you are doing your best to send someone to jail, then you are not forgiving them.

Video of a woman who said she was forgiving her ex-boyfriend and at the same time sending him to Jail
I saw this video of this woman forgiving her ex-boyfriend in court for almost killing her in a vicious¬†knife attack when they were breaking up. The problem was that even though she said she forgave him, she was doing her best in court to prosecute him and sentence him to life imprisonment. ¬†That’s what I call an oxymoron. If you’re in the process of sending someone to jail, you’re not forgiving them.

Forgive means to exonerate according to the Google dictionary. ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬†¬†So, if you’re sending him to jail you’re not exonerating or forgiving him. What she was trying to do is free herself from living in hate and animosity towards her abuser, so she could be free to move on with her life. She was letting go of her attachments, her over-identification with the angst she had towards her abuser. And that’s fine, but at the same time society needs to be protected from people like him and his actions which are unforgivable at this time. And that’s why he needs to go to jail or somewhere, where he won’t do any more harm to society. Maybe after a while, once he has healed he will be forgivable, but certainly not while he’s dangerous.

We can still feel sorry for him and still not forgive them ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† Just because we are not forgiving him doesn’t mean we can’t still feel compassion for him and treat him with dignity as a human being while sending him to jail.

These people usually have had a very difficult life and dysfunctional upbringing without anyone really loving them and taking good care of them as they were growing up. Hence, I do feel sorry for some of these people while still doing my best to protect my loved ones and myself from them. Maybe in a hundred years or when they have sincerely shown that they have worked on themselves, I could forgive them. But even if I don’t, I’ll at least let go of my attachment of continual hate towards them.

It’s unhealthy to live a life full of hate throughout your day and life.
It’s not very healthy to live a life full of hateful thoughts throughout the day. It causes all sorts of stress hormones to be activated in your body and has been shown to be a source of all sorts of dangerous diseases when a person has many hours of negative thinking on a daily basis. That doesn’t mean you should never have negative thoughts. We all do, but it becomes unhealthy when it becomes will excessive. And you’ll know within yourself when it’s taking its toll on you because you are always feeling down and possibly sick.

Next time someone wrongs you ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬†¬†So next time someone wrongs you, keep in mind that even if they are wrong and unforgivable, you can let go of the attachment to the revved up thoughts of hate and reactivity after the shock of what happened. If you do, you’ll be free. And this happens when you realize that your thoughts are being made up by you moment to moment. Soon as you see this for yourself, you can begin not to take your thinking so seriously and you’ll begin to release those unwanted attachments that don’t serve you.

To further consolidate this, please watch the video below.

 

Reaching out with unconditional love


The first thing they tell you when it comes to oxygen masks
It’s very exciting when traveling with family overseas although exhausting and one of the first things they talk to you about is passenger safety. When they were going through the procedures of fitting the oxygen masks they first tell you to put on your own and then put it on your kids. Isn’t that interesting?

Why would you put on yours first when your focus is usually to look after your loved ones first? As parents, we are often doormats for our kids having to do everything for them. Now I’m not against being a doormat. in fact, I love being a doormat for my kids. I love being able to provide for them and watch them grow up where they don’t need my help anymore and I eventually get out of being a doormat as they mature. But in the meantime, as they are growing they need me for all kinds of things.

But when it comes to the oxygen mask, I go before my kids?
Although I would instinctively put the mask on the child to save her life first, I am instructed to put my own on first. The obvious reason being that if I want to ensure that I get my kids mask on properly, I have to ensure that I am coherent¬†enough to be able to do it. If I can’t breathe properly I’m not going to be of much service to my loved ones.

So I get the mask on first and then I can ensure the safety of my kids.

When I think of this, I realize that there are real life lessons here. If I want to be there for anyone, I need to take care of myself first. When my well-being is intact I can truly be here for you. I can’t be present and truly reach out to help you if I don’t feel good about me.

Now, this is not about being selfish and self-centered,¬†because you aren’t going to be good with anyone if you are continually focused on yourself. When you get caught up in your own thinking about yourself, you’re not really present to the other person in front of you.

Where are you? ¬†You’re not really here ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† You may be here physically but your thoughts are somewhere else. In fact, you might as well be somewhere else because you’re not here with them if you’re worried about something else.

The realization of the fact of thought ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† Once you realize the fact that you think and you create a whole story in your mind via thought, you are then coming to the realization that you might not need to hold on to it so tightly since we are always making up and having new thoughts, moment to moment. Where would you be without that worrisome thought if you didn’t take it so seriously?

Letting go                                                                                                                                       When you start to let go of your worrisome thoughts you get out of your own way to see the new.  And that is precisely what happens when you connect with someone with nothing on your mind. When you are mentally free, you are fully present for the other person. You are here and not in your head.

Eye contact, face the other person blah blah blah
Then you’re ready to fully reach out to the maximum and be of true service to the to the other person. When good connection takes place, you don’t necessarily need to to make eye contact and face the other person because you are eagerly focused on them, you’ll do what naturally occurs to you in order to connect with them.

Deep meditative connection can occur ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬†¬†If that means you need to look at them in the eyes when talking, then you’ll look at them in the eyes when talking to them. But even if you do or even if you don’t, it’s not a must for good connection. Sometimes when talking to a client on the phone I’ll have my eyes shut and be in a real deep meditative connection with them while listening with no agendas on my mind. That‚Äôs when I‚Äôm really open to being able to help them see something that I and they didn‚Äôt see previously about them. And because I am listening with the silence of my mind, it allows them to come up with things about them that they have never seen before.

There are no absolutes here except for a quiet non-chatty mind. When that happens, you’ll automatically know what to say or what not to say, what to do or what not to do. This is because you’re in deep connection, not only the other person as you listen but with yourself as well. And then things get noticed by you and by the other person when in this meditative state that wouldn’t normally come up for you when having a lot of thought on your mind.

Wishing you only deep relationships when you fully reach out to others after having reached into yourself first.

 

When you let go you let in

 

It’s just a bunch of thoughts
When we realize that all we are holding onto in our mind is just a bunch of thoughts, it becomes much easier to let go of them. When this happens, we become a receptacle for the new and the fresh.

Endless possibilities arise when you let go of the old to make room for the new
The possibilities for the new are endless. But it does take a willingness to stop holding on to what doesn’t serve us very well and look within ourselves rather than without, for the answers, we seek to our own burning questions in our quest for happiness, peace, and wellbeing.

We have been taught to always look outside for the answers
We have always been educated by parents, home, and media that the answer lies somewhere out there. But when we finally let go of that, great things begin to happen.

Insights that work for you don’t need to be earth shattering
They may not be as earth-shattering as some of the greatest scientific¬†discoveries of the century, but they can be very life changing for you when you discover something new, which I call insight; a sight from within. It’s where we get to see something new when we ironically stop looking.
There is what happened and what we think happened ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† We are often our own worst enemy when we get caught up in our thoughts about stuff. And the stuff we’re often worried about¬†is more than what it really is. When we get too much in our heads, we create this chasm between what actually happened and what we think happened. And creating this ‘explosion’ of what happened with the stories we embellish with our imaginary reactive mind, is where we create suffering and pain. Now I’m not saying that people don’t have stuff and real life issues. Sure they do. But what would happen if we realize that we are at the mercy of our thoughts which happens when we forget that we are the creators of those thoughts.

The gap between the impulse and the response
Yes, I know we have problems, big problems. But no matter how bad they are there is always the gap between the impulse and the response.  Let us look at Dr. Victor Frankl:

Dr. Victor E Frankl, the great Austrian psychiatrist spent three years in Nazi concentration camps, including 5 months as a slave laborer. ¬†His mother, wife, and brother were all murdered in these camps. ¬†After the war, he¬†wrote about his experiences in Auschwitz and Dachau and other Nazi death camps. ¬†In his famous book Man’s search for meaning, he writes:

Everything can be taken from a man but one thing, the last of the human freedoms – to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way between stimulus and response, there is a space. ¬†In that space is our power to choose our response. ¬†In our response lies our growth and our freedom.

Sure there are plenty of people who have gone through the most harrowing of human experiences, but this still doesn’t preclude them from framing their own experience moment to moment via their thought. That’s precisely what Dr. Frankl did and if you read his book, you understand that it’s what kept him alive.

I’ll¬†cry with you
This won’t, however, stop me from crying with you or anyone for that matter that has gone or is going through a tragedy. I’m not going to judge anyone who chooses to be upset, that’s part of the human condition. As long as we’re human we are all bound to be hit by life’s challenges sooner or later and we all cry from time to time. That’s part of the price we pay for our stay here on Earth. So, there is no need to beat yourself up when you’re down.

Good news! You are empowered to choose
The good news is that we still have the choice of what we want to think about in any given set of circumstances. You and I have the power to lift up our game just like Dr. Franklyn did. He not only survived the war, he thrived and I know you can too.

Great expectations can lead to great limitations in any relationship

 

Great expectations are not always so great
Great expectations are not so great when we are overly attached and so committed to them. When I operate with the expectation that you have to do something to make me happy, it’s often a recipe for disaster because you’re not always going to do it exactly the way I want to to be done. It’s not possible because no two minds think exactly alike, hence you’re not always going to get it exactly right the way I want it to be.

Form and Formless
In this conversation, I want to introduce you to the world of form and formless. The world of form is the reality you currently live in based on your thoughts moment to moment. The feelings you have behind the thought is what we call formless.

Separate Realities ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† Because we’re such different human beings, each of us lives our own little life. In the world of form, you can never be on exactly the same page as somebody else. You might be similar but you can’t be on the exact same page because in¬†my mind with the thoughts I create we have to be different. It would be such a great coincidence if we were creating the same thoughts at the same time and what are the chances of that happening? This is what we call separate realities.

But where can we be on the same page?¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† This is in the feeling of love. Because the feeling of love is formless, the feeling of connection doesn’t have any details to it. ¬†We can be in that same feeling and we can live in harmony with that same feeling. When you’re in a relationship you’re shifting between the two. ¬†If you’re in the feeling, you’re not in the form. And if you’re in the form, you’re not in the feeling. You can’t do the two simultaneously.

The expectation is very much in the form. ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬†It doesn’t matter what the expectation is. ¬†People get stuck with this and they don’t like it when we say it, but in my mind, any over attachment to the expectation you have of your partner is going to put you back into that space of form which limits your ability to have the experience of the feeling.

So, it doesn’t matter whether the expectation is that my partner should love me, or an expectation that my partner should be loyal, or an expectation that my partner should be kind, an expectation that my partner should treat me in a certain way. Any time that you’re looking to expectation a certain way, you’re looking outside, you’re looking for the other person to create something in the relationship. You’re looking for the other person to provide something. And any time you’re doing that, you’re looking at the form, it will take you¬†away from the feeling because it’s hard to balance the two at the same time.

Either the ball is in my court or the ball is in your court. ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬†When the ball is in my court, it’s all about me learning to live in a beautiful feeling and making life show up from that space. And when the ball is in her court, I’m limited to whatever she shows up with. And I totally used to live with the ball in her court. If I was upset, the ball was in her court, it’s her fault because she did it. And if I wanted to become un-upset, I would have to wait for her to somehow do something to change the feeling I’m living in.

Today, however, it’s like, why would I ever put the ball in my wife’s court? That would make a horrible life. Firstly, sometimes she lives like a crazy person, she’s mad, she’s not willing to see things my way, she doesn’t love me on my conditions of the way she ‘should’ love me, she doesn’t do things the way I want her to do them, I’d much rather go and do it myself.

In relationships, if everyone just keeps the ball in their court, it would be so simple for them. Sometimes people ask me, “don’t you want your wife to love you and make you happy?” But the reality is that she’ll never succeed, not a chance. Try to make me happy, good luck with that. It’s impossible. The only thing that can make me happy is the feeling I’m living in, that can make me happy. There was a time that I used to believe that my wife would make me happy. And my wife is the one that can make me unhappy. That¬†today however,¬†is not true for me anymore.

There are so many people that live with that misunderstanding and it makes for such a difficult life with so much hardship because how could she ever truly understand what I need and what I want? Even if she’s the most amazing wife, she doesn’t know what I need or what I want and what’s important to me. And the funny thing is that if I take care of myself, I can give her clues. If she wants to make a contribution to my feeling, she could try, but I would much rather look after myself. And funnily enough, when I look after myself, I’m so much more clued in and wise and know how to look after everyone else.

But if I don’t have expectations I’ll end up being a doormat!
You might be asking, “shouldn’t people have expectations and if you don’t have some level of expectation in a relationship, you’ll end up being a doormat? Your partner is just going to walk all over you.”¬†

I’m happy being a happy doormat
First of all, it’s not so bad being a doormat, you get to be of service to others ūüôā Why am I looking for this person to provide for me? Why am I looking to this person and feeling that they have to give me something? I enjoy relationships so much more when I have a way to give, when I have a way to be of service and when I have a way to provide.

One way street relationship¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† Children are a very much a one-way street in a relationship. You’re giving, you’re providing, you are very much the doormat for your kids. And it’s a beautiful doormat to be because I love being able to give to them. I love being able to contribute to their lives. I love the fact that they can rely on me and want things from me and look to me and I love to be able to be that provider. ¬†And that’s what I love in our relationship as well. I don’t look to what Shainy, my wife can give me. Anything she gives to me is a bonus, that’s nice.

I don’t measure what the other person can give me
Part of the relationship that I enjoy is when I can provide. When you see a relationship that way, you automatically lose your attachment to expectation because you’re not measuring or comparing, you’re not looking for that. I’m not looking for what has been given to me. And there is so much more joy in a relationship like that. I’ve seen in my own relationship with Shainy, as we deepen our understanding in this way, as my expectations have gone down, I’ve learned to enjoy giving more and playing that role. It’s just a different world with a different feeling and it’s just so beautiful to live in that reality. The good news is, it’s just a thought away. It’s within anyone’s reach if they’re open to letting go of attachments.

Love and good will is the glue to hold long term lasting relationships
When you’re stuck in the form, you become stuck in your differences which will always exist. When, however, you drop your expectations and approach anyone with love and good will, you’re in for the long hall in any relationship. It’s the only constant that you can have in common as its formless and eternal.

The balance between expectations and goals ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† Being that we all live in a world of form, we are always going to have expectations of all sorts of things. And that’s okay. It becomes not okay when we are overly attached to them. I might want to lose 20 pounds as a goal, and that’s fine as long as I’m okay even if I don’t lose it. I’ll still be okay if I don’t lose it and it would be great if I did lose that weight. However, the extent of my attachment/commitment to this expectation will determine the extent of my pain if I don’t get it fulfilled. So goals are fine, so long as they don’t destroy me if I don’t get them and I know I’ll be okay either way.

Expectations are just thoughts with a lot of heavy attached thinking to it. So, let go of the attachments to your thinking and you’ll have a wonderful life. Even though in the world of form, it looks like you’re being a doormat, I’d rather look like a doormat and live a happy life than¬†living¬†an unhappy life with so many expectations that will never get fulfilled to exactly what I want.

To further consolidate this please watch the video below